- You relax by putting on your legwarmers and dancing to the "Footloose" soundtrack
- You're still bitter that Wham! broke up
- You still type all of your letters on a Commodore 64
- The only video games you play are Frogger and Pac Man
- A-Ha's "Take on Me" is still your favorite video
- You call all motorcycle cops "Ponch"
- You're still upset Madonna and Sean broke up
- You want to be Molly Ringwald/Matthew Broderick when you grow up
- You enjoy dancing on the ceiling and wearing your sunglasses at night
- You still think of Janet Jackson as "that girl who used to date Willis"
- Every time you see a fountain you want to dance around it and yell "Fame!"
- You still sing comma, comma, comma to Karma Chameleon
- You know that girls just wanna have fuh-un
- You can do the Safety Dance
- In your spare time you are writing "The Breakfast Club 2"
- You want to change your name to Rio and dance on the sand
- Your favorite party game is Hungry Hungry Hippos
- You practice getting in and out of your car through the windows
- You know ALF's real name
- You can name all of the Thundercats
- Everything in your wardrobe is either pastel or fluorescent
- When you're stuck in traffic you tell your car to engage Turbo Boost and are surprised when it doesn't talk back
- Your idea of appreciating ancient cultures is to "Walk Like an Egyptian"
- You still have a 'Choose Life' or 'Relax' tee-shirt
- You're still sending death threats to Mr. Rubik
Sunday, December 10, 2006
Sunday, November 26, 2006
Once there was a penguin whose car broke down. He took it in to get it serviced, and while it was being worked on, he went shopping.
He returned later that day to see what had happened to his car, and the mechanic told him, “It looks like you’ve blown a seal.”
The penguin, chuckling, and wiping his beak replied, “No, I’ve just eaten some ice-cream.”
I have a Sculptor from the Wirral who has made plaques for Richard Branson.
A Profesor in Fishery and Wildlife Biology from Colorado.
A Photographer from Toronto.
Chief Operating Officer of 'Wet Seal Incorporated' California
A Gothic Carpenter from Indiana
Member of the The Brandy Stills Country and Western Band
Adjunct Professor. Mathematics, Clearwater Campus St Petersburg
A Baseball/Softball specialist from New South Wales.
A School of Motoring in Fife Scotland.
Manager of the Bahamas football team.
Someone serving life inprisonment (for a crime he didn't do) in Western Australia.
A Orthokeratologist (therapeutic optometrist and glaucoma specialist)in San Antonio.
A Bell 47 helicopter enthusiast from Toronto.
A man in Arkansas with a 20lb tumour.
A Cosmetic Dentist in Fort Worth and
A vet in California.
Anyone got any better ones?
Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security
Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
We put the "k" in "kwality."
If something doesn't feel right, you're not feeling the right thing.
Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat.
If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.
Plagiarism saves time.
If at first you don't succeed, try management.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
We waste time, so you don't have to.
Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
Succeed in spite of management.
Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
We waste more time by 8:00 in the morning than other companies do all day.
You pretend to work, and we'll pretend to pay you.
Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Stephen Fry: Welcome to QI, the show that rhymes with Stephen Fry.
Stephen Fry: How do otters kill crocodiles?
Rob Brydon: Softly with their songs.
Stephen Fry: What is attractive about the Costa Rican Army?
Jo Brand: They have a pulse.
[advice on airline food]
Stephen Fry: Anything white is sweet, anything brown is meat, anything grey, don't eat.
Stephen Fry: If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people in the world?
[the contestants are discussing elephants]
Alan Davies: Do they take it down the trunk?
Clive Anderson: After a few drinks, they'll take it anywhere.
Clive Anderson: I'm fascinated that hair grows after death, I'm looking forward to that.
Sean Lock: Banana plants, whatever they're called, walk.
Stephen Fry: [looking off-stage] Nurse, nurse, he's out of bed again.
Stephen Fry: If a Lion mates with a Tiger, you get a...?
Alan Davies: Scandal.
Stephen Fry: Welcome to the show that refreshes the parts other shows doesn't even have names for.
Jeremy Clarkson: [Recounting a trip to Amsterdam] I walked into a brothel on Saturday.
Stephen Fry: You heard it here first, folks.
Jeremy Clarkson: It was like a motorway services station toilet.
Alan Davies: That must have been a Welcome Break.
Stephen Fry: What's the collective noun for a group of baboons?
Rich Hall: The Pentagon.
Stephen Fry: This is turning into the most appaling Primary School nonsense.
Stephen Fry: [holding his clenched left fist out in front of him] If I had a moth ball in this hand and a moth ball in that hand,
[bringing out his right fist]
Stephen Fry: What have I got?
Alan Davies: Two moth balls?
Stephen Fry: No, a very excited moth.
Rich Hall: Doctors use acronyms, such as GOMER - Get Out of My Emergency Room, or SARA - Sexual Activity Related Accident.
Stephen Fry: There is one that doctors use in my part of the world which is NFN - Normal for Norfolk.
Stephen Fry: Why is a Marathon 26 miles, 385 yards long?
Alan Davies: I feel a trap coming on.
Stephen Fry: What is the commonest material in the world?
Clive Anderson: Jim Davidson.
Alan Davies: I am *not* as stupid as you think!
Stephen Fry: No, you're not, you couldn't be.
Stephen Fry: What's long and pink and hard in the morning?
Stephen Fry: "The Financial Times'" crossword.
Stephen Fry: [during an odd one out question] None of them is the odd one out is the answer. Do you know why?
Phill Jupitus: What kind of a hellish quiz is this?
Stephen Fry: Fair point.
Phill Jupitus: "What one's the odd one out? None of them. Baah, bah, bah, bah."
Stephen Fry: Hey. Is that me?
Phill Jupitus: That's you.
Stephen Fry: Oh bugger you. I don't sound like that. Baah, bah, bah.
Stephen Fry: [after stating the Thomas Eddison invented the word Hello] The word that existed before as "hullo" h-u-l-l-o, which never meant a greeting, it just meant an expression of surprise - "Hullo, what have we got here?" "Hullo, what's this?" We still use it in that sense.
Bill Bailey: Do we?
Stephen Fry: "Hullo, what's that?" ... Don't we, Bill?
Bill Bailey: Yes. Yes, when we live our life like 1950s detective films. I often go to my fridge, "Hullo, we're out of milk. I say mother, where's the milk?"
Stephen Fry: You beast, you beast, you utter, utter beast.
Stephen Fry: [regarding a village in the mountains of Nuremberg, Germany] Now what did this village provide the whole world with for more than a hundred consecutive Christmases?
Sean Lock: War criminals.
Sean Lock: The American cat's eyes break every time you go over them.
Stephen Fry: Do you know why that is?
Sean Lock: Because they're shit.
[answering the question, "What does fear smell like?"]
Rich Hall: I think fear smells of crab salad. I went to this deli the other day and said "Can I have a crab salad sandwich?", and the woman behind the counter said "We're out of crab salad, I'm afraid".
Alan Davies: Why are there no aspirins in the jungle?
Alan Davies: The parrots-eat-em-all!
Stephen Fry: What do we know about the Magi?
Phill Jupitus: They taught Luke Skywalker everything he knows.
Alan Davies: [about tortoises] My nephew's got one, and it attacks you. It actually runs and throws itself at your feet.
Sean Lock: You sure that's not a rabbit in a helmet?
Bill Bailey: [who collected butterflies as a kid] The irony was that moths got into the collection and ate them all!
Phill Jupitus: [during a round about the sinking of the Titanic] Is it true that someone dressed as a lady to escape detection?
Stephen Fry: Yes, apparently it is true because it was women and children first.
Bill Bailey: [laughs] I thought you said "someone dressed as a *baby*"
Phill Jupitus: [putting on posh accent] "Yes, goo-goo indeed. I have a lollipop and I have no control over my urinary functions. I am, in fact, an infant. And I know you think I'm Lord Albermal, but I am in fact a little baby. With a beard. Yes, goo-goo, gaa-gaa. And Madam, may I tell you I've been a very naughty baby."!
Stephen Fry: A question for Rich. How would you French-kiss a woodpecker?
Rich Hall: You would have to seduce it. You would have to get it interested in you. Put a toothpick in your mouth. Say nice things to it. "That's nice plumage." Then give it a date rape drug.
Alan Davies: Should all else fail.
Stephen Fry: Can anyone tell me what the national bird of England is?
Jo Brand: I can tell you what it is for women: Thrush.
Alan Davies: I can tell you what it is for men: Cock.
Stephen Fry: [signing off] And as they say in Ireland, may you get to Heaven a half-hour before the Devil knows you're dead.
Sunday, November 05, 2006
Lip reading for beginners
Joke of the day
Honey, I want a divorce
A married couple is driving along the highway doing a steady fourty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband abruptly looks across at her, speaking in a clear voice, and says “Darling, I know we’ve been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce.”
The wife says nothing, keeping her eyes on the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.
The husband speaks again, saying this time: “I don’t want you to try and talk me out of it, because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and she’s a far better lover than you.”
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.
He pushes his luck. “I want the house,” he demands. Up to 60 mph. “I want the car, too,” he continues. 65 mph! “And,” he says, “I’ll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards, the boat, and our dog!”
The car slowly begins veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: “Isn’t there anything you want?”
At last the wife replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. “No, I’ve got everything I need.” she says.
“Oh, really?” he inquires, “So what exactly have you got?
Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turns to him and says…………… “The airbag.”
Proverb of the Day
In 2200 BC, in ancient Egypt, an inscription was written:
“The mouth of a perfectly contented man is filled with beer.”
Nice to see some things don't change with time.
Monday, October 30, 2006
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.
Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."
The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"
One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?"
The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."
The three friends said: "What a shame... what a disappointment."
The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
A butcher watching over his shop is really surprised when he sees a dog coming inside the shop. He shoos him away. But later, the dog is back again. So, he goes over to the dog and notices it has a note in its mouth. He takes the note and it reads “Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please”. The dog has money in its mouth, as well. The butcher looks inside and, lo and behold, there is a ten dollar note there. So he takes the money and puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, placing it in the dog’s mouth.
The butcher is so impressed, and since it’s about closing time, he decides to shut the shop and follow the dog. So off he goes. The dog is walking down the street, when it comes to a level crossing; the dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the button. Then it waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn.They do, and it walks across the road, with he butcher following him all the way. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe as the dog stops a bus by pulling its left leg up and gets in it.
Then, without waiting for the bus to stop completely, it jumps out of the bus and runs to a house very close to the stop. It opens the big Iron Gate and rushes inside towards the door.
As it approaches the wooden door, the dog suddenly changes its mind and heads towards the garden. It goes to the window, and beats its head against it several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts shouting and swearing at the dog.
The butcher surprised with this, runs up, and stops the guy. “What in heaven’s name are you doing? The dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for the life of me!”, to which the guy responds: “You call this clever? This is the second time this week that this stupid dog’s forgotten his key.”
Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses him, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you into the Kingdom of Heaven?”
The guy replies, “I’m Joe Cohen, taxi driver, from New York.”
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”
Now it’s the priest’s turn. He stands erect and booms out, “I am the Right Reverend Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last forty-three years.”
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”
“Just a minute,” says the priest. “That man was a taxi driver. Why does he get a silken robe and golden staff?”
“Results,” shrugged Saint Peter. “While you preached, people slept. When he drove, people prayed.”
Moral of the story:
It’s Performance, Not Position that Counts
1 star hangover
No pain. no real feeling of illness. You slept in your own bed and when you woke up there were no traffic cones in there with you. You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those vodka and Red Bulls. However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a bag of fries.
2 star hangover
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you hug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Although you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.
3 star hangover
Slight headache. Stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space cadet and not so productive. Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag because the perfume/aftershave reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 am. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a kebab and a litre of coke watching daytime TV. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 6 chicken nuggets and a litre of diet coke yet you haven't peed once.
4 star hangover
You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might spew. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can't hide the fact that you (depending on your gender) either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, or, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the dodgems. Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from a second-grade class circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for one of the following - home time, a cheeseburger and somewhere to be alone, or a Time Machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before. You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.
5 star hangover
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits next to you. Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last drop of moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe ..... very gently.
6 star hangover
You arrive home and climb into bed. Sleep comes instantly, as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi. You get about 2 hours sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up. You notice that your bed has been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the room. No matter what you do you now, you're going to chuck. You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under full sail. After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking off all the pictures, you find the toilet. If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls. You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting, and farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short lived. Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts. Help now turns into abuse and he/she usually goes back to bed leaving you there in the dark. With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died back to 15-minute intervals, but your body won't relent. You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you saw your tonsils shoot out of your mouth on the last occasion. It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the day as you try to climb into bed. She/he abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair. You reluctantly accept their advice and have a shower in exchange for them driving you to the hospital. Work is simply not an option. The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make you sick again, like moving. You vow never to touch a drop again and who knows for the next two or three hours at least you might even succeed. OK, now hands up all those who have never had a six star hangover!! Thought so!!
Saturday, September 30, 2006
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
This made me laugh lots.......
Sent to me by a friend
I have 2 Labrador Retrievers & I was buying a large bag of Winalot at Sainsbury's and was in line to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
- ▼ December (10)
- Joke of the day
- Still life or death?
- Who's namesake has the best job?
- A pun my word
- Inspirational Posters I would like to see at work
- Happy Thanksgiving to all my American friends
- Serfdom to Surf Doom
- Should get to work on time tomorrow
- QI - Quotes
- Inside Dracula's kitchen
- How far would you go with an implant?
- Apple Mac rediscover snail mail
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- Not in this club yet - thank God
- ► October (13)
- Every parent needs a helping hand
- There may be trouble ahead
- Family Planning
- At last a good use for a Mac
- Mc Donalds new low fat meal option
- Does this make her 'Open Source'?
- The Tory secret weapon in case they don't win the ...
- Shine on, shine on Endor Moon
- The Dark Side's Disco Years
- Wheel of Life
- mmmmm Cherry Pi
- Sex and Slippers
- Kids toys are more realistic these days
- Message in a bottle
- Well I saw him here a minute ago!
- Mission Impossible 4