Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Words that shouldn't appear in the same sentence.
Speedo and XXXL
Kitty cat and vaseline
Grandma and sex
Microsoft and works
Intellegence and George Bush
Life and Kids
War and peace
Peace and George Bush
Monday, January 30, 2006
Where's my Bat Cape?
Looking at CJ's post tonight I was happy to see his picture of 'Plug' and it got me thinking of my favorite comic characters. The two I dreamed of being as a child were:
GENERAL JUMBO
and
BILLY THE CAT
Who were yours?
Sunday, January 29, 2006
One for Sunday
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.
"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"
"Amen," replied the congregation.
One for Sunday part 2
Music be the food of love etc...
Had a e-mail conversation with my friend Miss Cellania regarding music tastes. I indicated that my taste in music is totally diverse due to having children ranging from 27 to 9.
At the moment listening to The Hot Club of Cowtown (Western Swing)
But I also love:
Rammstein, Katie Melua, Gorillas, Bjork, Old Blues(1930's), Kaiser Chiefs, Basement Jaxx, Goldfrapp, Queens of the Stone Age, Foo Fighters, James Blunt, William Orbit, ELP, Pink Floyd, Led Zepplin, The Cure, Any punk, Debussy, Bach, Wagner.....
I could go on.
But then we got on to what music you listen to when doing different things. I like House music on my mp3 player when out walking, Electronic rock when cooking, female vocals when chilling and Wagner when Ironing(get good creases to Ride of the Valkaries).
She pointed out that Wagners Ride of the Valkaries also has the unfortunate honour of being the piece of music to cause the most car accidents whilst listening to when driving.
What are you fav's and when do you most like to listen to them?
Saturday, January 28, 2006
EEC to simplify English
Having chosen English as the preferred language, the European Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of improving efficiency in communications between Government departments. European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is unnecessarily difficult - for example, cough, plough, rough, through and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to iron out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be administered by a committee staff at top level by participating nations.
In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using 's' instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would resieve this news with joy. Then the hard 'c' could be replaced by 'k' sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made with one less letter.
There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it kould be announsed that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be written 'f'. This would make words like 'fotograf' twenty per sent shorter in print.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are possible. Governments would enkourage the removal of double letters which have always been a deterent to akurate speling.
We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and writ as though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins the skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing 'th' by 'z'. Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kould be taken on by 'v', vitsh is, after al, half a 'w'. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary 'o' kould be dropd from words kontaining 'ou'. Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, difikultis and evrivun vud find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of ze Guvermnt vud finali hav kum tru.
Body MOT
The BBC announced today that the Government is to offer the population of the UK a Health MOT at 5 points in a persons life. This would allow them to offer help on diet and exercise.
My body is a temple and as such I undergo the following exercise program.
Monday:
Beat around the bush.
Jump to conclusions.
Climb the walls.
Wade through paperwork.
Tuesday:
Drag my heels.
Push my luck.
Make mountains out of mole hills.
Hit the nail on the head.
Wednesday:
Bend over backwards.
Jump on the band wagon.
Balance the books.
Run around in circles.
Thursday:
Toot my own horn.
Climb the ladder of success.
Pull out the stops.
Add fuel to the fire.
Friday:
Open a can of worms.
Put my foot in my mouth.
Start the ball rolling.
Go over the edge.
Saturday:
Pick up the pieces.
Worlds best witticisms
- The sex was so good that even the neighbours had a cigarette.
- If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.
- If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
- Born free... taxed to death.
- The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
- Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
- A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
- I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
- Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
- If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.
- You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
- I got a gun for my wife, best trade I've ever made.
- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
- To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
- I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
- Horn broken, watch for finger.
- All men are idiots ... I married their king.
- The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
- Give pizza chants.
- How can I be overdrawn, I still have checks!
- If something goes without saying, LET IT!
- If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
- Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
- If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk.
- Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
- Missing your cat? Try looking under my tires.
- Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
- Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
- Prevent inbreeding: ban country music.
- Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
- This would be really funny if it wasn't happening to me.
- I have the body of a god... Buddha!
- I get enough exercise pushing my luck.
- If you don't like the news, go out and make your own.
- Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep
- I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
- I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
- If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
- Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
- Sex on television can't hurt you... unless you fall off.
What makes a Perfect Partner
I have been tagged by the wife on a new MEME which could have me walking on egg shells.
Can I name 8 traits that make up a perfect partner. So here we go:
1.Intelligence.I could never see my self having a partner like Chantelle off Big Brother, it would drive me mad in 5 minutes. Need to have someone who I can talk to on my own level.
2. Wit.
I love humour and hate laughing on my own. A shared laugh seems 10 times more powerful. (Suppose thats why I blog)
3. Kindness.
This dosn't have to be directed at me but general. An act of compassion, worry or sympathy for another endears me to a partner.
4. Someone who dosen't mind washing up.
As I hate it.....
5. Someone with a short memory.
Who dosn't rememer things in the mists of time and drag them up at every opportunity.
6. Someone who knows which side of the bed is there's.
A meeting in no-mans land can be organised as and when needed.
7. A team player.
Like the wife I agree that partnerships as defined in the dictionary, Pertianing to working together, is a good trait.
8. Someone who shares an interest.
Commonality really helps a relationship. I took up blogging as I was becoming a blog widow. We now have more time for each other, if only through e-mails LMAO.
Friday, January 27, 2006
Weekend Meme
Seven Things To Do Before I Die:
1 - Learn another language
2 - Visit Russia
3 - Have Laser eye surgery
4 - Visit the Grand Canyon
5 - Visit Easter Island
6 - Learn to ski
7 - Have a 'proper' honeymoon with the wife
Seven Things I Cannot Do:
1 - Tolerate school runs in 4x4 cars
2 - Speak French (not that I want to)
3 - Understand the need for learning trigonometry
4 - Eat snails
5 - Not use my a computer for 24 straight hours
6 - Get back down to a 30 inch waist
7 - Not wear loud clothes
Seven Things That Attract Me To...Blogging:
1 - Sense of community
2 - Making new friends
3 - 5 minutes of fame
4 - Comments from all over the world
5 - Fun and laughter
6 - Learning new and wonderful things
7 - Learning to speak the language of mt birth properly
Seven Things I Say Most Often:
1 - "What"?
2 - "Time for bed"! (have kids)
3 - "Time for bed"? (have a loving wife)
4 - "Ah"?
5 - "Where is the remote"?
6 - "I didn't"
7 - "I'm tired"
Seven Books That I Loved:
1 - The Eight - Katherine Harrison
2 - The Rats - James Herbert
3 - Chariots of the Gods - Eric Von Daniken
4 - Super Nature - Lyal Watson
5 - Fatherland - Robert Harris
6 - Holy Blood and the Holy Grail - Baigent and Leigh
7 - Awaken the Giant Within - Anthony Robbins
Seven Best SciFi Movies:
1 - Star Wars IV
2 - ET
3 - War of the Worlds (1953)
4 - Independence Day
5 - Forbidden Planet
6 - Plan 9 from Outer Space
7 - The Matrix
Least we forget
Tomorrow is the 20th, yes 20th anniversary of the Challenger explosion. That nearly shocked me more than the event as it only seemed about 5 years ago.
From front left, are: astronauts Michael J. Smith, Francis R. (Dick) Scobee, and Ronald E. McNair. Rear left are: Ellison Onizuka, Christa McAuliffe, Gregory Jarvis and Judith Resnik.
TEN RANDOM QUOTATIONS FROM COMEDIAN STEVEN WRIGHT
From 'The Unhilarious Writings of Hester Murman'
- "There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators."
- "I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize."
- "If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?"
- "I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone."
- "I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it."
- "I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time.' So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance."
- "A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an 'accelerator.' When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."
- "I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone".
- "I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left before we met".
- "All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand".
Death
Miss Cellania is trying to cheer everbody up by a great post on death (if death can be great). Included is a Death Clock which shows I should live till 2048, which gives me enough time to blog 80,472 more times....
Beware of the God
NAIROBI (Reuters) - A starving Kenyan woman placed a powerful tribal curse on God, accusing him of sending famine, and died in her sleep, local newspapers said on Thursday.
The woman from eastern Kenya's drought-ravaged Kangundo district decided to invoke a dreaded oath from the Kamba community, famed for its potent witchcraft, media reports said.
"Whoever brought this famine, let him perish," the woman chanted, striking a cooking pot with a stick.
"She accomplished the feat at 10 a.m. and waited for the results, but God's wrath struck at night. She died peacefully in her sleep," the Kenya Times newspaper said.
Poor rains for three years running have left more than 3.5 million Kenyans on the edge of starvation, prompting President Mwai Kibaki to declare the drought a national disaster.
Tupperware anyone?
The BBC Business News had an article this morning on Technology innovators Tupperware and some of the new products they have brought out. Below are some pictures and satisfied customer endorsements.
'Bullet Proof Tupperware'
"When I and the family go to Central Park
Baghdad for a picnic we always take
Bullet proof Tupperware"
Mr T Aziz
'Stuffables - expanding storage ware'
know what ever the size of the leftovers
'Stuffable Tupperware' will accomodate it"!
Jeffery Dahmer
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Got a flat?
RECIPE FOR VIAGRA
You knew someone would crack this formula eventually! Here it is:
3% Vitamin E
2% Aspirin
2% Ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
5% Spray Starch
87% 'Super Guard' Tyre Sealant
Strange Laws of the UK
All English Men over 14 are meant to carry out 2 hours longbow practice a week supervised by the local clergy.
London Hackney Carriages (taxis/cabs) must carry a bale of hay and a sack of oats.
It is illegal to be drunk on Licensed Premises.
It is illegal for two adult men to have sex in the same house as a third person.
Chelsea Pensioners may not be impersonated.
A bed may not be hung out of a window.
It is illegal for a lady to eat chocolates on a public conveyance.
Throughout the whole of England it is illegal to eat mince pies on the 25th of December.
Any boy under the age of 10 may not see a naked manequin.
It is illegal to leave baggage unattended, and picking up abandoned baggage is an act of terrorism.
It is illegal for a Member of Parliament to enter the House of Commons wearing a full suit of armour.
It is legal for a male to urinate in public, as long it is on the rear wheel of his motor vehicle and his right hand is on the vehicle.
Committing suicide is classified as a capital crime. (Repealed)
And specific areas of the country...
Chester
You can only shoot a Welsh person with a bow and arrow inside the city walls and after midnight.
Hereford
You can shoot a Welsh person all day, but only on Sunday, with a Longbow, in the Cathedral Close.
London
You are considered a freeman if you can drive your geese down Cheapside and to be hanged with silk rope (as opposed to plain old hemp).
Companies may vote in local elections.
York
Upon sight of a Scotsman, it is still legal to shoot him with a bow and arrow, except on Sundays.
Scotland
You may not fish on Sundays.
It is illegal to be a drunk in possession of a cow.
Trespassing on someone else's land is legal.
You are presumed guilty until proven innocent for some crimes.
If someone knocks on your door and requires the use of your commode, you must let them enter
Culture Icon - the GB Design Quest.
The BBC TV program 'The Culture Show' is asking viewers to vote for the best of British Design.
The list includes:
Aston Martin DB5
London A-Z Street Atlas
Sinclair Executive Electronic Calculator
Raleigh Chopper
Concorde
Dr Martens boot
E-Type Jaguar
The Face magazine
Grand Theft Auto video games
K2 phone kiosk
Anglepoise Lamp
Mini (motor car)
Mini skirt
British road and motorway signage system
Penguin paperback book
Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band album cover (Beatles)
Power, Corruption and Lies album cover (New Order)
Catseye
Routemaster bus
Supermarine Spitfire
Tomb Raider
Dyson DC01 vacuum cleaner
World Wide Web
London Underground map
Verdana typeface
Are there any more you would add?
Me I would add the Trim Phone
Little Red Riding Hood
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr.Wolf."
The wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.
"My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."
Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.
"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."
With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you knock it off, I'm trying to take a shit!"
VOTE NOW
There is a chance the public can make St Georges Day a public holiday
(After this year) Click on the link below to vote, the site needs at least 500,000 votes for the government to take it seriously and give us another holiday, and I know you are up for that!
Pass the address on to whomever you can
Men strike back
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men
Until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
London Underground
In case you haven't heard it, these are the lyrics to the Amateur Transplants song LONDON UNDERGROUND, sung to the old Jam song 'Going Underground'
Some people might like to get a train to work
Or drive in in a Beamer or a merc,
Some guys like to travel in by bus,
But I can't be bothered with the fuss today
I'm going to take my bike,
Coz once again the Tube's on strike.
The greedy bastards want extra pay
for sitting on their arse all day
even though they earn 30K .
So I'm standing here in the pouring rain,
Where the f*#@k's my f*#@ing train?
London Underground
London Underground
They're all lazy f*#@ing useless c*#@s
London Underground
London Underground
They're all greedy c*#@s I want to shoot them all with a rifle.
All they say is "Please mind the doors",
and they learned that on the two day course,
This job could be done by a four year old.
They just leave us freezing in the cold.
What you smell is what you get
Burger King and piss and sweat
You roast to death in the boiling heat,
With tourists treading on your feet
and chewing gum on every seat,
so don't tell me to "Mind the gap"
I want my f*#@ing money back.
London Underground
London Underground
They're all lazy f*#@ing useless c*#@s
London Underground
London Underground
They're all greedy c*#@s I want to shoot them all with a rifle
LaLaLaLa
LaLaLaLa
The floors are sticky and the seats are damp,
Every platform has a f*#@ing tramp,
But the drivers get the day off when we're all late for work again,
London Underground
London Underground
WaWa Wankers , They're all Wankers ,
London Underground
London Underground
Take your Oystercard, and shove it up your arsehole
Male or Female
You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender.
1) Self seal Sandwich Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.
7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male , didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!
This is part of a brilliant post on 'Mars and Venus: Semantics' from Miss Cellania
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Computer Age Sayings
- Home is where you hang your @.
- The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
- You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
- Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
- Too many clicks spoil the browse.
- The geek shall inherit the earth.
- Don't byte off more than you can view.
- What boots up must come down.
- A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
- There's no place like www.home.com.
You Know You're Getting Older When:
You Know You're Getting Older When:
*Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
*You keep repeating yourself.
*You keep repeating yourself.
*The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
*You feel like the night after, and you haven't been anywhere.
*You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
*Your little black book contains only names starting Doctor.
*You only have enough midnight oil to burn until 9 pm.
*Your back goes out more often than you do.
*You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
*You get winded playing chess.
*Your children begin to look middle aged.
*People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
*You're still chasing women but can't remember why.
*A dripping tap causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.
*You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
*Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today..."
*You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.
*The little grey haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
*Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
*You got satelite TV for the Weather Channel.
*You have a party and the neighbors don't even realise it.
*You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.
*After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying a second coat.
*Dialing long distance wears you out.
*You have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet.
*The best part of your day is over when your alarm clock goes off.
*You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
*A fortune teller offers to read your face.
*Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you watch a pretty girl go by.
*You're startled the first time you are addressed as an old timer.
*You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
*Relatives smile benignly rather than interrupt you as you retell the same story for the zillionth time.
*You are proud of your lawn mower.
*People don't harass you any more when you take an afternoon nap.
*Your relatives longingly refer to your things as "your estate".
*You're awake many hours before your body allows you to get up.
*You're wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that's just your left leg.
*You are having trouble remembering simple words like....
*You're anti-everything: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammation....
*Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
*You keep repeating yourself.
*You keep repeating yourself.
*The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
*You feel like the night after, and you haven't been anywhere.
*You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
*Your little black book contains only names starting Doctor.
*You only have enough midnight oil to burn until 9 pm.
*Your back goes out more often than you do.
*You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
*You get winded playing chess.
*Your children begin to look middle aged.
*People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
*You're still chasing women but can't remember why.
*A dripping tap causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.
*You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
*Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today..."
*You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.
*The little grey haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
*Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
*You got satelite TV for the Weather Channel.
*You have a party and the neighbors don't even realise it.
*You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.
*After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying a second coat.
*Dialing long distance wears you out.
*You have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet.
*The best part of your day is over when your alarm clock goes off.
*You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
*A fortune teller offers to read your face.
*Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you watch a pretty girl go by.
*You're startled the first time you are addressed as an old timer.
*You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
*Relatives smile benignly rather than interrupt you as you retell the same story for the zillionth time.
*You are proud of your lawn mower.
*People don't harass you any more when you take an afternoon nap.
*Your relatives longingly refer to your things as "your estate".
*You're awake many hours before your body allows you to get up.
*You're wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that's just your left leg.
*You are having trouble remembering simple words like....
*You're anti-everything: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammation....
Monday, January 23, 2006
You Gotta Use The Right Tools For The Job
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed, "Grandson I wanta you to listen to me. I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead."
"You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple od bambino, some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in bed with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, "TIMES UP"?"
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science and Nature. Her question was, “If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?” She thought for a time and then asked, “Is it on or off?”
Word of the day
GOOGLE BOMB
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.
A Google bomb or Google washer is a certain attempt to influence the ranking of a given page in results returned by the Google search engine. Due to the way that Google's PageRank algorithm works, a page will be ranked higher if the sites that link to that page all use consistent anchor text. A Google bomb is created if a large number of sites link to the page in this manner. Google bomb is used both as a verb and a noun.
A screen shot of the results of searching for Miserable failure on Google. In one of the more well known Google Bombings, the site was manipulated so that the first Miserable failure result links to George W. Bush's biography on the official White House web site. Also notice the very next entry.A Google bomb or Google washer is a certain attempt to influence the ranking of a given page in results returned by the Google search engine. Due to the way that Google's PageRank algorithm works, a page will be ranked higher if the sites that link to that page all use consistent anchor text. A Google bomb is created if a large number of sites link to the page in this manner. Google bomb is used both as a verb and a noun.
See Spamdexing for the practice of deliberately and dishonestly modifying HTML pages to increase the chance of them being placed close to the beginning of search engine results, or to influence the category to which the page is assigned in a dishonest manner.
Out of Body Experience
I note that the CIA are using the pilotless drones 'Preditor' aircraft to search out Al Qaeda in Pakistan. The fact that the CIA are involved has me ask are they using 'Remote Viewing' again as a means to search for terrorist bases.
When we played with NLP recently I had an Out of Body Experience which leads me to believe that Remote Viewing is a very powerful tool.
But on a lighter side if you could remotely spy on something or someone what or who would it be?
WORST THING TO SAY TO A HELLS ANGEL
An ABC Ballot
- Nice Honda
- My gay friend has leather like that
- Hell's Angels are faggots
- Where's the cowboy, indian, and policeman?
- The bigger the bike, the smaller the dick!
- Get your chains at Sears?
- That's so sweet, you ride with your grandma
- Thats a pretty outfit your wearing
- I think your hair looks lovely
- Dad, (yes, son) I want to be a ballerina
- I think your muffler is broken
- Hey, Fatass, get off that Harley and be a MAN!
- Ayyy! Where's the Fonz?
- You've got a purty mouth
- Why do you wear your hair like a girl?
- Where are your wings?
- R U MARRIED TO YOUR SISTER?
Dear Prudence....
Got the day off today so had the chance to walk the kids to school. The wife has devised a plan with the pair of them the girl gets half the walk to talk about 'things' and the boy the other half.
Girl (9) talked about making pom-poms out of rings of cardboard and winding wool around it. Was surprised when I said that I used to make them as a kid.
Boy (11) Devising a way to create cold fusion and eliminate green house gasses.
Understand now why they need to take turns.
Postcards from the edge
Juzzzy introduced me to POST SECRET yesterday in his post http://www.blog.co.uk/index.php/juzzzy/2006/01/22/gentle_reminder~496946 , this lead me to search a bit more about this brilliant site that is currently the third-most-popular blog on the Internet (as ranked by Technorati). Reading an article last night I found out it started by accident when Frank Warren posted 3000 blank self addressed postcards around Washington as part of an Art Project.
Me, I have so many secrets I don't know what to post..... I have been a little devil.
Sunday, January 22, 2006
Google Search
Type in 'french military victories' in Google and press 'I'm Feeling Lucky' button.
Enjoy.
Breaking the Code
Don't know about you but cannot wait till May.
For once I think the cast the right actors for the parts, just how I imagined them.
The Top 12 Things Uttered by Yoda While Making Love
12. Ahhh! Yoda's little friend you seek!
11. Urm. Put a shield on my saber I must.
10. Feel the force!
9. Foreplay, cuddling - a Jedi craves not these things.
8. Down here, I am. Find a ladder, I must!
7. Do me or do me not - there is no try.
6. Early must I rise. Leave now you must!
5. You know, this would be a lot more fun without Frank Oz's hand up my butt.
4. Happens to every guy sometimes this does.
3. When 900 years old you get, Viagra you need too, hmmmm?
2. Ow, ow, OW! On my ear you are!
1. Who's your Jedi master? WHO'S your Jedi Master?
Nuff said
The husband sits up and begs.
The wife rolls over and plays dead...
If English counties had a motto what should they be?
Bedfordshire - 'We got lions'
Berkshire - 'Reading Festival and not a book in sight'
Buckinghamshire - 'Concrete cows and cement milk'
Cambridgeshire - 'Roll that cheese'
Cheshire - 'Pretentiously posh'
Cleveland - 'Where Chris Rea got the idea for Road to Hell'
Cornwall - 'Ginsters are us'
Cumbria - 'We Glow in the Dark'
Derbyshire - 'Where men are men and sheep are worried'
Devon - 'As thick as our cream'
Dorset - 'Home of the fossils'
Durham - 'Home of the Pink Panther'
Essex - 'Blondes are us'
East Sussex - 'If it moves tax it'
Gloucestershire - 'Tasty like our cheese'
Hampshire - 'Solent Green'
Herefordshire - 'land of pedants'
Hertfordshire - 'We should be in London'
Isle of Man - 'But not in a gay way'
Isle of Wight - ' Where the old go to die'
Kent - 'We speak over 100 languages'
Lancashire - 'Reet Good'
Leicestershire - 'Semper Eadem' (We Make Crisps)
Lincolnshire - 'Land of the Yellow Bellies'
London - 'We got the Olympics, you didn't'
Manchester - 'Sorted and always grey'
Merseyside - 'If it can be moved nick it'
Norfolk - 'Flat as a witch's tit'
Northamptonshire - 'We make shoes'
Northumberland -'Get Off That Bloody Wall, it's Hadrians'
North Yorkshire - 'The Moor the Merrier'
Nottinghamshire - 'We don't all wear green tights'
Oxfordshire - 'Anyone know Morse Code?'
Rutland - 'Closed on Sundays'
Shropshire - 'We have attractions, but nobody knows it!'
Somerset - 'Not all Yokels, but it helps'
South Yorkshire - 'Home of Mr Gay UK 2004'
Staffordshire - 'We're all potty'
Suffolk - 'Pleased as punch'
Surrey - 'Full of Epsom sorts'
Tyne and Wear - 'Did yee spill yor lasses pint'
Warwickshire - 'Land of the luvvies'
West Midlands - 'Where cars go Brum'
West Sussex - 'I'm the only straight in the village'
West Yorkshire -'We believe in Fairies'
Wiltshire - 'Overtaking on narrow country lanes is not compulsary'
Worcestershire - 'There's Saucy'
Northern Ireland - 'Home of the Guiness flavourered crisps'
Scotland - 'If it's edible deep-fry it'
Saturday, January 21, 2006
Parrot sketch
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot." "Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion,sports, physics, philosophy I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the £200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for £20; just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers £20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the Postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie ."
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?" "Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot. "NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"
"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie! , got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."
Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got an erection and fell off my perch!"
USA State Mottos
Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedys Don't Own It Yet
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes. Well Okay, Not Really, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nebraska: Land of Two Seasons - Winter and Construction
Nevada: Whores and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want A $%! Motto? I Got Yer $%! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl - It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family - Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese, Come Smell our Dairy Air
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men (And The Sheep Are Scared)
If you could change your name what would you opt for?
Hugh Jazz, Dick Hertz, Hugh G. Rection, Connie Lingus, Dewanna Dewitt, Jack Mehoff, Ima Cumming, Buster Cherry, Neil Downaneater
A guy changing his name to "Midlands Bank PLC Are Fascist Bastards" so they'd have to put it on his chequebook and statements etc, because they wouldn't grant him an overdraft.
A man in central China has been refused permission to name his son "@" because it cannot be translated into Mandarin - as the law demands.
And to round this off I list below actual names of individuals that have passed through the Judicial system of Chicago....These are real names...
Aheavy Hampton , Al Pacino Smith , Alan Fierce (Attorney), April Showers, April Furst, Aquarius Waters, Armin Hand , Barefoot Sanders ( U.S. Judge in Texas), Battleship Gray, Bobcat Rucker, Brain Cancer, His mother wanted to name him Brian, but spelled it wrong, Bunker Hill, Buster Hyman, Candy Barr , Candy Kane , Carmel Crisp, Cherry Veronica Coke , Chester Fields, Dick Daley (Actually Mayor Daley uses the name Richie or Rich) Condor Soaring, Crystal Clear, Daisy Field , Dill Pickle, Doomsday Jones ,Dr. Kneebone, Chiropractor,Dr. Waters, Urologist , Dr. Mangle, Chiropractor, Dr Hyman, Gynaecologist, Dr. Carver, Forensic Pathologist, Dr Bonebreaker , Dr. Winke, Optometrist , Dr. Roger Slaughter, Trauma ward physician at Cook County Hospital, Dr. M. Cholera , Dr. Noble Emdee , Dr. Goldfinger, Gynecologist , Earl E. Bird, Head of an animal rights group, Enola Gay Bender , Flavius Freeman , Forest Ranger , Gary Cowman, spokesperson, National Cattleman’s Association, Gene Poole, Genghis Kahn Harris, Gonorrhea Jones, Halitosis Harris, Hugh Munn, He is the South Carolina Law Enforcement spokesman , Iona Ford, Iwona Kus ,Jesse James, (Treasurer of the State of Texas ) Kitty Chow, Kris Kringle , Lance Boyle , Legover Moses, Lolly Popp & Sody Popp. Sisters , Mary Christmas, Mercedes Bens, Narcissus Love, One Nite O. Love Washington, Pearly White (Afro-American school principal) Pink Oliphant , Precious Valentine, Princess Pimpinella Hohenholoe , Randy Radish, Rip Van Johnson, Rosie Cheeks, (While she was locked up in Cook County Jail she still managed to get pregnant) Rufus T. Firefly, This was a character name used by Groucho Marks but some poor person has this for their real name, Rupert Roach, (Arrested with a small amount of cannabis), Stillborn McGhee, Swing Dickey , Toyota Crudup, Varmit Nelson, Vicki Fucks, Manager at Midwest Magazine Services for WorkBench Magazine, Virgin Fullalove , Whatcha McCallum, Willie B Long , Willie Bandit, Willie Oneway, Willie Die, Zhiavago Rambo, Zippidy Doda Day Jr. Zippidy Doda Day Sr.
Star Trek Lost Episodes transcript.
Pichard "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"
Geordi"Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology. "
Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.
Riker "What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"
Data "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate. "
Pichard"But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"
Data "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."
Pichard "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."
... . . 15 Minutes Later . . .
Data "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We, however, have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."
Geordi "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."
Pichard "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if their is something we have missed."
Data "Sir, I believe their is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.
Riker "Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."
Geordi "Wait, Captain, I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !"
Pichard "Data, what does your scanners show?"
Data "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."
Pichard "Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their functionality."
... . . Two Hours Pass . . .
Riker "Geordi, what's the status on the Borg?"
Geordi "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.
Pichard "How much time will that buy us ?"
Data "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours."
Geordi "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."
Pichard "Identify."
Data "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo"
Over the speakers "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"
Data "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."
Pichard "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"
Riker "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits ! How can they survive the tortures of deep space ?!"
Data "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits"
Riker "Lawyers !!"
Geordi "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."
Data "True, but aparantly some must have survived."
Riker "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."
Data"I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape' it often proves fatal."
Riker "They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"
Pichard "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that."
Pichard "Mr. LaForge, what's the current status on the Borg ship?"
Geordi "They are still undergoing heavy attack from Microsoft's Shark team. Wait! They lawyers backing off...It looks like the Borg must have negotiated a site wide license."
Pichard "Damn! Data, what's your analysis?"
Data"Sir, I am reading some interesting program changes in the Borg's command pathways. They are spending an enourmous amount of effort evaluating a program left by Microsoft."
Riker "What are you talking about Data?"
Data "It appears to be a new program, I am trying to isolate it's description. The Microsoft registry reports the new program as Win stardate 7451332 Build 455."
Pichard "Well, that should take care of them."
Geordi "I don't think so sir. The Borg have managed to isolate this new program to only a small part of their collective intelligence. They are referencing this node as an 'evaluation team'."
Pichard "How long until the program proliferates, Mr. LaForge?"
Geordi "It's hard to tell Captain. But from the amount of sub-space communication being transmitted to the Microsoft space station 'Help Desk', I'd say it will be a while before th..."
Data "Sir, the Borg ship is rapidly regaining resources. I estimate 2 minutes before they will be able to attack."
Pichard "Options"
Riker "We could offer this new Windows to other members of the Borg."
Pichard "Sell them a Beta version of a product? That goes against the Prime Directive. Besides, Number 1, it would take too long to install...we don't have the time."
Geordi "I have it!! Data, insert this program into the Borg's command pathways."
Data "Very interesting...Initiating transfer...Sir, the Borg have completely stopped working on restoring their systems."
Riker "What is it? What did you do?"
Pichard "It's going to be OK, Number 1.
Geordi, did you send them the program I think you sent?"
Geordi "Yes, sir, Netscape v1.1"
Friday, January 20, 2006
Blog Archive
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2006
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January
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- Pizza?
- Who would Adam and Eve it!
- Warning
- Words that shouldn't appear in the same sentence.
- Best Download of the Day
- Don't worry, be happy.
- Why cyclists should only wear black shorts.....
- Where's my Bat Cape?
- One for Sunday
- Music be the food of love etc...
- EEC to simplify English
- The Bytes and the Bees
- Body MOT
- Worlds best witticisms
- What makes a Perfect Partner
- Gnome, gnome on the range.
- Weekend Meme
- Least we forget
- TEN RANDOM QUOTATIONS FROM COMEDIAN STEVEN WRIGHT
- Death
- A Hallmark moment
- Beware of the God
- Binge drinking?
- Tupperware anyone?
- Got a flat?
- Strange Laws of the UK
- It was only a couple of Buds!
- Culture Icon - the GB Design Quest.
- Little Red Riding Hood
- VOTE NOW
- Men strike back
- Wondered why my new computer was running hot
- London Underground
- Male or Female
- Are you a Games Window
- McDonalds anyone?
- BEST BLOND JOKE EVER
- Just visiting
- Keep on trucking
- How to spot a Geek
- Computer Age Sayings
- Honest I was only checking the cavity wall filling
- Tagged
- Don't let the sun go down on me!
- Book of the day
- You Know You're Getting Older When:
- You Gotta Use The Right Tools For The Job
- IN A VACUUM
- Word of the day
- Get down and get dirty!!!!
- When is it best to give up?
- Out of Body Experience
- What makes you think women own these cars?
- Good Tattoo
- WORST THING TO SAY TO A HELLS ANGEL
- Dear Prudence....
- My confession..........
- Postcards from the edge
- Google Search
- Breaking the Code
- Brown paper packages tied up with string!
- The Top 12 Things Uttered by Yoda While Making Love
- Nuff said
- If English counties had a motto what should they be?
- Parrot sketch
- USA State Mottos
- Scaredy cat!
- If you could change your name what would you opt for?
- Star Trek Lost Episodes transcript.
- Question?
- Where ghost's go during the day time!
- Out of the mouth of babes
- Children of the 60's
- Jokes a plenty
- I'm too sexy for my ...........
- First rocket to Uranus
- Meme from Tequila Red
- How long?
- Useless facts and money saving ventures
- Time Line Therapy
- Do you need glasses?
- Laughter, The Best Medicine
- If Adverts had to tell the truth.....
- See ya soon
- Lost - Hurley's Numbers
- OMG
- This is a job for Super Squirrel
- Windaz of Oz
- Man Utd get new sponsors
- First embarrassing father/son moment
- Motorway loo
- Man or chicken?
- Little Johnny strikes again!
- Book report
- Think I need to get a life
- News snips
- Bride of Dracula
- My worst nightmare!
- I need one now!!!!
- Never underestimate the opposition
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