Down Under

A woman sitting in an Adelaide restaurant suddenly began to cough.

After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress,
and two locals, Kenzie and Brian sitting at the next table turned to
look at her.

"Kin ya swaller? asked Kenzie.

The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.

"Kin ya breathe?" asked Brian. The woman shook her head No!!!

With that, Kenzie walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress,
yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of
her *rse. This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the
obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

Kenzie swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.
Brian said in admiration "Ya know Kenzie, I'd heard of that bloody
Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it."

Masochistic food

Priceless

While I was driving down the M62 the other day, (going a little faster thanI should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a copper on theother side with a radar gun laying in wait. The copper pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronising smirk, and asked "Runway too short?" To which I replied, "I'mlate for work."To which he asked, "What do you do?" "I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.The copper was surprised and confused. "A what?" "A rectum stretcher??" I said."And just what does a rectum stretcher do?" he said."Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, I work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet."Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do you do with a six-foot arsehole? "To which I politely replied,"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Speeding ticket: £105.00
Court costs: £45.00
Look on copper's face ... Priceless....

The story is in the telling

Two kids are playing football in a park in Manchester. Suddenly one of them is attacked by a rottweiler which clamps its mouth around the kid's neck.

The other kid, seeing the danger his p al is in, picks up one of the sticks they were using as a goal post, puts it through the dog's collar, and using all his strength twists it until the dogs neck breaks and his friend is saved.

This is all seen by a Manchester Evening News reporter who sees a possible national headline in the incident, and goes over to the kids.

That was really heroic" he says "I can see it now: Heroic United fan risks life to save best friend."

"But I don't follow United" says the kid.

"Ok, how about: Super City Kid fights off rabid rottweiler to save his pal?"

"But I don't follow City either" says the kid.

"Well who do you support?" asks the reporter.

"Liverpool" he says.

"Even better" says the reporter "Scouse b*st*rd murders family pet."

Away for therapy again

Away until Friday...... The men in white coats have finally caught up with me.

See you in the

Bushism of the day

Tags: Bush, Funny,Wulfweard, Humour

New Da Vinci sketch found

Facial re-construction of new skeletal remains of man's earliest ancestor

Found George Bush's script writer

Tags: Bush, Funny,Wulfweard, Humour

Bush on Imports

Tags: Bush, Funny,Wulfweard, Humour

Bush on success

Tags: Bush, Funny,Wulfweard, Humour

Bush on Budget

Tags: Bush, Funny,Wulfweard, Humour

Now available at Brokeback stores

Tags: Brokeback mountain, Funny,Wulfweard, Humour

Shafted on Brokeback Mountain

It appears more than one 'cowboy' got shafted on Brokeback Mountain.

I read this morning the actor Randy Quaid, who plays the rancher who employs the two gay cowboys in the film, was told by producers that the movie was a 'low-budget, art-house film, with no prospect of making any money'. This being said he is now suing the studio and producers behind "Brokeback Mountain" for $10 million (6 million pounds.

The industry guilds, according to the suit, define a "low-budget" film as one made for $500,000 to $7 million, the actual budget for "Brokeback" was $14 million. The film so far has taken $160 million world wide at the box office and will more than double that when it goes to DVD.

Tags: Brokeback mountain, Funny,Wulfweard, Humour

Berlusconi jokes about war with France

BRUSSELS (Reuters) - Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi joked about declaring war on France on Friday and pretended to massage President Jacques Chirac, making light of a clash between their two countries over energy mergers.

Leaving for the second day of European Union summit, Berlusconi told reporters: "There is no news, unless you journalists want us to declare war on France."

Can you see a war between these to great nations? One has tanks with 1 forward and 5 reverse gears and the other puts up a flag of surrender if a car back fires......

Friday's word of the day

Story from one of my readers who felt it would be better on my blog

Ron's story

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder or them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger.

When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Julie.
When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.
Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age.
I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her.

Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.

I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable.

I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves.

I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the lawn.

I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.

After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.....

Signed,

Ron

EDITOR'S NOTE: Ron died suddenly on February 27th. The police report says that he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club rammed up his bottom, with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife Julie was arrested and charged with murder; however, the all-woman jury found her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that he accidentally sat down on it very suddenly.

Blairs favorite sweet dispenser

Best day of the week

Wily coyote caught in New York City

Mar. 22 - A wily coyote paid a visit to New York City, leading dozens of police officers on foot and in a helicopter on a loping chase through Central Park before being caught.

The Coyote led police and park rangers running through the park in pursuit of the animal, which has been hunting ducks and other birds, leaving piles of feathers in its wake.

The animal was first spotted on Sunday (March 19) and was seen again on Tuesday (March 21), when emergency services and park authorities launched a full-scale search.

A spokesman was heard to have said "Meep! Meep!"

He would phone a friend if he had one

Thought for the day

An Advert that didn't make it into the press

I wonder Why?

What Super Hero are You?

Your results:
You are Green Lantern

Green Lantern 100% Spider-Man 95% Iron Man 70% The Flash 60% Catwoman 60% Robin 50% Superman 45% Batman 45% Hulk 45% Wonder Woman 35% Supergirl 25%

Hot-headed. You have strong will power and a good imagination.

Click here to take the "Which Superhero am I?" quiz...

Greatest song lyrics.

What are your favourite song lyrics of all time? Mine has to be the track 'Time' from David Bowie's 'Aladin Sane' album.

Time - he’s waiting in the wings
He speaks of senseless things
His script is you and me, boy

Time - he flexes like a whore
Falls wanking to the floor
His trick is you and me, boy

Time - in quadles and red wine
Demanding billy dolls

And other friends of mine
Take your time

The sniper in the brain, regurgitating drain
Incestuous and vain, and many other last names
I look at my watch it say 9:25 and I think oh God I’m still alive

We should be on by now
We should be on by now

Lai, lai, lai, lai, lai, lai, lai, lai
Lai, lai, lai, lai, lai, lai, lai, lai

You - are not a victim
You - just scream with boredom
You - are not evicting time

Chimes - goddamn, you’re looking old
You’ll freeze and catch a cold
’cause you’ve left your coat behind
Take your time

Breaking up is hard, but keeping dark is hateful
I had so many dreams, I had so many breakthroughs
But you, my love, were kind, but love has left you dreamless
The door to dreams was closed. your park was real dreamless
Perhaps you’re smiling now, smiling through this darkness
But all I had to give was the guilt for dreaming

We should be on by now
We should be on by now
We should be on by now
We should be on by now

We should be on by now

Lai, lai, lai, lai, lai, lai, lai, lai
Lai, lai, lai, lai, lai, lai, lai, lai, lai
Lai, lai, lai, lai, lai, lai, lai, lai
Lai, lai, lai, lai, lai, lai, lai, lai, lai
Lai, lai, lai, lai, lai, lai, lai, lai
Lai, lai, lai, lai, lai, lai, lai, lai, lai
Lai, lai, lai, lai, lai, lai, lai, lai

Lai, lai, lai, lai, lai, lai, lai, lai, lai
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la, la

Yes time

Music Meme

First Concert:
Queen (Night of the Opera Tour) Hammersmith Odeon 1975

First Record Bought:
Yeh Yeh by Georgie Fame and the Blue Fames.

Last CD Bought:
Outkast - Speakerboxxx/The Love Below

Favorite Record Label:
Trojan Records

Favorite Music Magazine:
New Musical Express

Favourite Bassist:
Nick Oliveri of Queens of the Stone Age

or Shavo Odadjian of System of A Down

Favourite Album Cover:
Beatles - Sgt Pepper

Singer Who Makes Your Skin Crawl:
Mark Almond

Singer Who Makes You Horny:
Gwen Stefani

Song You'll Never Get Sick of Hearing:
"Im Like A Bird Lyrics" - Nelly Furtado.

Album You Own That None of Your Friends Have:
"I" - Patrick Moraz

Album You Own But Hate:
The World of David Bowie - David Bowie

Song You Can't Stand by an Artist You Like:
Sweetest Thing - U2

Band That Should Break Up:
The Rolling Stones

Band That Should Re-form:
Police

Guilty Pleasure (song that gets you going):
"My hump my hump my hump"! - The Black Eyed Peas.

Last Song You Listened To:
"Stupid Girl" - Pink

Dilbert Quotes

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are the finalists:

1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."

(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)

2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter."

(Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."
(R and D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

6. My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected.
(CIO of Dell Computers)

7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

10. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!"
(New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

Do you have a pet?

I was reading today about the benefits of children keeping pets, something I was never allowed to do.

One artical I found was of interest. The American Society of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry indicate the following positive attributes of having pets as a child.

Taking care of a pet can help children develop social skills.

• Children raised with pets show many benefits.
  Developing positive feelings about pets can contribute to a child's self-esteem and self-confidence.
• Positive relationships with pets can aid in the development of trusting relationships with others.
• A good relationship with a pet can also help in developing non-verbal communication, compassion, and empathy.
• Pets can serve different purposes for children:
• They can be safe recipients of secrets and private thoughts--children often talk to their pets, like they do their stuffed animals.
• They provide lessons about life; reproduction, birth, illnesses, accidents, death, and bereavement.
• They can help develop responsible behavior in the children who care for them.
• They provide a connection to nature.
• They can teach respect for other living things.

Other physical and emotional needs fulfilled by pet ownership include:

• Physical activity
• Comfort contact
• Love, loyalty, and affection
• Experience with loss if a pet is lost or dies.

So do you have a pet?
We have a cat and 4 guineapigs.

Word of the day

Dr Who

Nice to see Dr Who has finally aired in the US (on the SciFi Channel) and the Americans have sort of taken to it. Here are some of the quotes so far:

Applehazelnut says

Hmm, you know that chick in the new Doctor Who series? That blonde chick? Well, she's kind of fat. :-) But you know. I think she's kind of cute even though she's kind of fat. Interesting. :-) Must be the British accent. Real British accents aren't so bad. They're kind of cute. The um... Fake British accents from Gweneth Paltrow are kind of atrocious really.

Aberwyn says

I caught an episode of the new DOCTOR WHO, "Rose", on the Sci-Fi Channel Saturday. I really enjoyed it -- like the best of the old Doctors, it was great fun despite the plot holes you could drive a truck through. First-rate popcorn! Rose herself is pretty cool, unlike some of the wimpy or annoying companions of the past. My candidate for best bit of dialogue:
"You're an alien?"
"Yes."
"Then how come you sound like you come from the North?"
"Lots of planets have Norths."

Detroit Times says

"Dr. Who" (9 p.m., Sci-Fi). Series premiere. The British cult favorite is about a mysterious time traveler who bops across the spectrum of time, battling aliens and monsters while piloting a spaceship shaped like a London phone booth.

Kitzarina says

If he doesn't have a big floppy hat and an insanely long scarf, I'm just not interested.

Tags:

Dr Who, Tardis,SciFi, Humour

Site of the Day

Nostradamus on line

In May 2004, members of the Italian National Library in Rome made an amazing discovery. Buried in their archives was an unknown manuscript by the famed prophet Michel Notredame, or Nostradamus (1503-1566). This manuscript was handed down to the prophet's son and later donated by him to Pope Urban VIII. It did not surface again until now, almost four hundred years later.

Due to the pressure and scrutiny of the Inquisition, Nostradamus was forced to scramble both the meaning and the order of his quatrains. He made sure humanity would not be able to use them until we had become sophisticated enough to decode them. That time has finally arrived.

and if you love conspiracies see Conspiracy Planet

Little Johnny

One day little Johnny comes home one day from school and his mom asks him how his day was.

He replies, "Mom, today I had sex with the teacher!"
Immediately she was angry. She said, "just wait 'till your dad gets home, he's going to be very mad at you. Go to your room!"
So the boy goes to his room and finally his dad is home and comes up to the room. The boy tells his dad and the dad is proud of the boy.
"Great job son! How old are you 12? 13? How about we go down to the store and get that shiny red bicycle you wanted?"
So, they go to the store and the dad buys the bike for his son. Then he says, "well Johnny, do you want to ride the bike home?"
The boy answers, " No, that's okay Dad, My ass is still sore!"

This joke was brought to you by

The Bible Code - End of the USA

Click here for Bigger Picture

Always been interested in the Bible Code. Found this site by accident this morning and found that the two dates for the beginning (2006) and the end (2012) mirrors Nostradamus.

Riots in France

Sex Dictionary

I have the facility of seeing where my readers come from and how they found me. One link today was someone looking up the term 'Chapel Hat Pegs' which was the name of one of my posts.

The link lead me to another site where a definition of sexual terms in a dictionary format resides.

Some of the Interesting slang words I found were:

Cardigan - Slang in the US for a condom
Cardboard box - Syphilis (Cockney rhyming slang for pox)
Daddy's Sauce - Semen
Face the nation - cunnilingus
Hair monger - Obsolete, 19th century designation for a lecherous and promiscuous man
Lady Jane - The vulva
Nine bob - Bent as a Nine bob Note or Gay
Quicktime sex - Internet port
S.Q.Q - San-Quentin-quail or Jail Bait (underage sex)
Vacation - code word for a one-night, sadomasochistic scenario
Yellow handkerchief - Hankie code for advertising one's preference for golden-showers and watersports
Zipperfish - the penis

A Tough ch-ch-choice...

A guy walks into a doctor's office and stutters, "Da-da-doc, I've ba-ba-been sta-sta-stuttering for ye-ye-years, and I ca-ca-can't stand it anymo-mo-more! Can you he-he-help me?"

The doctor answers "Well, I'll have to give you a thorough examination first, but in some cases there is a cure." So the doctor puts the guy through a battery of tests, and says, "I think I know what's causing your stuttering."
The guy excitedly asks, "Well, wa-wa-what is it, da- da-doctor?"
"It's your penis. I know that sounds crazy, but you have an unusually large penis - it's almost two feet long. It seems the weight is putting a strain on your vocal cords which most men never have to deal with."
The guy asks, "Wa-wa-what can we da-da-do?"
"Well, we could remove it and transplant a shorter one."
"Do it!" the guy replies. So they go through the operation, and three weeks later the guy comes in for a follow up appointment.
He says, "Doc, you solved my stuttering problem. I don't know how to thank you. But I've only had sex once in three weeks - my wife just doesn't like it anymore with my new, shorter penis. I've thought about it, and I decided I can put up with the stuttering easier than going without the sex - I want you to put my long one back on."
The doctor says, "No-no-nope. A da-da-deal's a da-da- deal!"

This joke was brought to you by

Site of the day

The Alaska Volcano Observatory

A webcam on Augustine Island Alaska is monitoring a volcano that is currently at a 'Level of Concern' of Orange.

Level of Concern codes explained.

GREEN No eruption anticipated.
Volcano is in quiet, "dormant" state.

YELLOW An eruption is possible in the next few weeks and may occur with little or no additional warning.
Small earthquakes detected locally and/or increased levels of volcanic gas emissions.

ORANGE Explosive eruption is possible within a few days and may occur with little or no warning. Ash plume(s) not expected to reach 25,000 feet (7,630 m) above sea level.
Increased numbers of local earthquakes. Extrusion of a lava dome or lava flows (non-explosive) may be occurring.

RED Major explosive eruption expected within 24 hours. Large ash plume(s) expected to reach at least 25,000 feet (7,630 m) above sea level.
Strong earthquake activity detected even at distant monitoring stations. Explosive eruption may be in progress.

Donation Clinic

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation centre.

Man: "What are you doing here today?"
Woman: "Oh, I`m here to donate some blood. They`re going to give me $5 for it."
Man: "Hmm, that`s interesting. I`m here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.
Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation centre.
Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"
Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."

This Joke was brought to you by

Tags: Sex, Funny,Wulfweard, Humour

The Queen in Singapore

The Queen was spotted at the races in Singapore yesterday where she picked a winner......

Tags: Queen, Funny,Wulfweard, Humour