Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Digging deeper

Erich Von Daniken, author of 'Chariots of the Gods' was digging in Germany. Getting down 50 meters underground he discovered small pieces of copper wire. After studying these pieces for a long time, Erich announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nation-wide telephone network.

Naturally, Graham Hancock, author of 'Fingerprints of the Gods' seeing a new book oportunity undertook his own dig in England. 100 meters down, he found small pieces of glass tube, and soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nation-wide fibre net.

New author Paddy O'Shea not wishing to be left out started digging in Ireland. He dug 50, 100 and 200 meters underground, but found absolutely nothing...

He therefore concluded that the ancient Celts 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones

Thursday, June 15, 2006

and there's more.....

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

A Dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc. Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?". "It's not unusual."

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, straight up, no bull!"

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's heavy"

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'you're right, the steaks are too high.'

I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a muscle.

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Time for a funny

32 deg F = 0 deg C

40 degrees - Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Scotland sunbathe.

35 degrees - Italian cars won't start.
People in Scotland drive with the windows down.

20 degrees - Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wool hats.
People in Scotland throw on a T-shirt.

15 degrees - Californians begin to evacuate the state.
People in Scotland go swimming in the sea.

0 degrees - New York landlords turn the heat on.
People in Scotland have a last barby before it gets cold.

-10 degrees - People in Miami are extinct.
People in Scotland lick flagpoles.

-20 degrees - Californians all now live in Mexico.
People in Scotland throw on a light jacket.

-80 degrees - Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic.
Scottish Boy Scouts postpone winter survival exercise until it gets
cold enough.

-100 degrees - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
People in Scotland wear a vest and pull down their ear flaps.

-173 degrees - Ethyl alcohol freezes.
People in Scotland are angry 'cos they can't thaw their whisky kegs.

-297 degrees - Microbial life starts to grind to a halt.
Scottish cows complain of farmers with cold hands.

-460 degrees - ALL atomic motion stops.
People in Scotland start saying " A bit hill billy ... eh? "

-500 degrees - Hell freezes over.
Scottish people support England in the World Cup

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Saturday, June 03, 2006

Shallow thoughts

  1. If we're not supposed to eat animals then why are they made out of meat?
  2. A bore is someone who opens his mouth and puts his feats in it.--Henry Ford
  3. I'm not an alcoholic, I'm a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings.
  4. Politicians should do two terms - one in office and one in jail!
  5. The number one cause of divorce is marriage.
  6. I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
  7. I'll finish that project tomorrow, I've made enough mistakes today!
  8. Life is way too short to date ugly people.

My excuse and I'm sticking to it

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Last post

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Eye Candy

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Boob job on the cheap

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60 Things Not To Say During Sex

1. But everybody looks funny naked!
2. You woke me up for that?
3. Did I mention the video camera?
4. Do you smell something burning?
5. Try breathing through your nose.
6. A little rug burn ever hurt anyone!
7. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
8. But whipped cream makes me break out.
9. Person 1: This is your first time..right? Person 2: Yeah..
10. Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!
11. Can you please pass me the remote control?
12. Do you accept Visa?
14. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
15. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
16. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
17. Do you get any premium movie channels?
18. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
19. Got any penicillin?
20. But I just brushed my teeth...
21. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
22. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
23. I want a baby!
24. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
25. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
26. When is this supposed to feel good?
27. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
28. You're good enough to do this for a living!
29. Is that blood on the headboard?
30. Did I remember to take my pill?
31. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
32. That leak better be from the waterbed!
33. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
34. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
35. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
36. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance..
37. No, really... I do this part better myself!
38. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
39. This would be more fun with a few more people..
40. You're almost as good as my ex!
41. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
42. You look younger than you feel.
43. Perhaps you're just out of practice.
44. Have you ever considered liposuction?
45. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
46. I have a confession...
47. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
48. You'll still vote for me, won't you?
49. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
50. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
51. Does this count as a date?
51. When would you like to meet my parents?
53. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
54. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
55. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
56. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
57. Is this a sin too?
58. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
59. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
60. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?

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Friday, June 02, 2006

Peter Kay One-Liners

Nicked from graemephillipsuk

1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said Thyroid problem?'
2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.
5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
9) Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
13) You know that look women get when they want sex? No, me neither.
14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.
15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've
forgotten this before.

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
5) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
7) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
8) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
9) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
10) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
11) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
12) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
13) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
14) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
15) Despite constant warnings, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
16) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
17) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

1) Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
4) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bottom?
5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?
6) Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
7) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
8) Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
9) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a Horrible crisp no one would eat?
10) Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
11) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
12) What do people in China call their good quality plates?
13) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
14) What do you call male ballerinas?
15) Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
16) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
17) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
18) Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?