Monday, July 31, 2006

Top of my best sellers list

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Ready for the festivals

Got my tent pole, all I need is a tent.....

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Why I failed maths


Nicked from Steph

Cats rule 2

Cats rule

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How to get a Klingon Bat'leth in the back of your head...

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The final frontier

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Bill Gate's new house

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and they say A Level History is easy?

Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athens was democratic because people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought with the Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.

Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold musterded his troops before the Battle of Hastings. Joan of Arc was cannonized by Bernard Shaw, and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no free men should be hanged twice for the same offense.

In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the times was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter, Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Guttenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumsised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies, and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and this was known as Pilgrims Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed along with their capooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. During the war, the Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.

Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clu Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. It claimed it represented law and odor. On the night of April 14, 1855, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

In Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.

Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish Gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear children.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

Joke of the day

Q: How can you tell if a man is well-hung?

A: When you can barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Childrens books that didn't quite make it.

Charlotte's Web of Lies & Deceit
Charlie and the Third World Nike Factory
Alice's Adventures in Caesar's Palace
Ali Baba and the 1,000 Arab Stereotypes
Babar, the Ivory Coat Rack
Kermit the Frog and the Hot Skillet of Foaming Butter
The Little Train Who Couldn't, But It's Okay Because It Happens to Every Train Once in Awhile
Puce in Boots
Little Red in Da Hood
Snow White and the Seven Intoxicated Mexicans
Hansel and Gretel and Hansel's Special Friend Sven
Harriet the Stalker
Larry the Leper Needs a Hand
Ninety-Nine Horny Blue Men in Tight White Pants: Smurfette's Confessions
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Soup
The Preschool of Dr. Moreau
Nancy Drew and the Mysterious Case of Recurring Crabs
Journey to the Centre of Birmingham
Richard Scarry's Busiest Taxidermist Ever
The Famous Five get ASBO's

Joke of the day

Who Says Men Don't Remember Anniversaries....

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of Him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she asked the husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears, thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.

"Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued... "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to Jail for 20 years?'"

"I remember that, too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and added, "I would have gotten out today."

Doctor Doctor

The following quotations were taken from actual medical records as
dictated by physicians..............

Doctors' Disasters

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was
feeling better.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had
completely disappeared.

She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.

I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be

Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.

Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

The patient refused an autopsy.

The patient has no past history of suicides.

The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.

The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to work her up.

She is numb from her toes down.

While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

The skin was moist and dry.

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Joke from my friend Carol

An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, retired in Texas. Ray always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife "notice anything different about me?"

Bessie looks him over, "nope." Frustrated Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"

Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow".


To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a hat".

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Red Kite at night......

Mohamed Al Fayed, owner of Harrods, is in mourning at the loss of a Red Kite that he has bred on his Scottish estate of Balnagown. It appears that it has flown off to the neigbouring estate of Balmoral.

With a tear in his eye Al Fayad said. "Part of my soul has left Balnagown with this bird", "I hope it has every opportunity to shit on Prince Phillip when he ventures outside his door".

Still no love lost there then....


Cypriot custom officials stopped a Senegalese man trying to enter the country using a forged French passport.

What gave him away?

He was wearing a England Football Shirt.......

The grass is always greener.....


Wednesday, July 19, 2006

What's under your bonnet?

A guy in St. Louis was driving to work on Hwy I-44 when he heard a 'pop.' He thought it sounded like a flat tire, though his ride wasn't affected. After pulling over, checking the tires and finding them intact he opened the hood to look at the motor.

Before the hood was even all the way open he jumped back in shock and knocked his head on the partially opened hood, unable to believe what his eyes were seeing!
Nobody was going to believe this! You sure wouldn't have either! Fortunately, a co-worker with a camera recognized him along side the road and stopped to see if he could help. Check out the photos below to witness for your self the source of his amazement.


Align Center

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Oldies but goodie s

A guy goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the dishes of the day. The waiter wheels over a trolley and the man examines the dishes.

"I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please" says the man. "O.K." replies the waiter and calls out "Gervais!!"

A little French chef appears with a large knife, the waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip.

Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices a tear running down its face. Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid.

"Not to worry" says the waiter, and calls out "Hans!!" at which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen.
"Sir", says the waiter, "this is Hans, the dishwasher. Hans, kill that squid!"

The dishwasher wields a huge rolling pin and is just about to bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry.

"I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling.

"Well sir," says the waiter, "it just goes to show.

That Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais. With mild green, hairy lip squid!"

Accident report from a bricklayer.

Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope. And I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back onto me.

Hot days and drinking do not mix.

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Thursday, July 13, 2006

Zinedine Zidane as the Worlds Press saw it.


As the Germans saw it.

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As the French saw it.

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As the Italians saw it.

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As the Americans saw it.

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As Sun readers saw it.

How to know you are going too fast

David Beckham's new car

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Scientific study

A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with very low intellect read their e-mails and blogs with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now. It's too late.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

What actually made Zinedine Zidane see red?

Since Sunday evening the whole World has been debating what Italian defender Marco Materazzi said to Zinedine Zidane to make the retiring Frenchman react in the way he did. The French captain, in his last ever professional game, thrust his head into Materazzi's chest in Sunday's World Cup Final resulting in a red card and shame for Zidane. Today, with the help of Italian lip-reader Arturo Belladini, we can reveal what drove Zidane to self destruct;

Materazzi was seen to hold Zidane's shirt on the edge of the penalty box in extra-time at which point Zidane said

"if you want my shirt so bad you can have it"

Materazzi responded

"I dont want your shirt you mother f*@#*@*. you're a f*@#*@* old man"

As they jog away Zidane is seen to laugh at this and it is unclear how he responded due to him having his back to the TV camera

Materazzi then hit a volley of abuse

"you should've quit 2 years ago, you're a f*@#*@* has-been"

"mother f*@#*@*! your mum is a f*@#*@* muslim terrorist and you are to, f#@# you old man f#@# you"

"old man, this arena is not for you anymore mother f*@#*@*"

Zidane carries on jogging away

"you are only good enough for Tottenham now"

It's at this very point Zidane turned and head-butted him.

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Confucious would turn in his grave

  • If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  • A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
  • Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
  • For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
  • He who hesitates is probably right.
  • Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
  • No one is listening until you make a mistake.
  • Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
  • The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
  • The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
  • The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
  • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
  • To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
  • Two wrongs are only the beginning.
  • Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level of incompetence.
  • You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
  • The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
  • Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
  • The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
  • The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching train.

Why the Chicken Crossed the Road

  • PLATO: For the greater good.
  • ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
  • KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
  • TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.
  • RONALD REAGAN: I forget.
  • CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
  • HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
  • MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
  • MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken,"Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
  • FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
  • RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
  • MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
  • JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"
  • FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
  • BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office VISTA, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book.
  • OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
  • DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
  • EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
  • BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature. RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road . It transcended it.
  • ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
  • COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
  • MICHAEL SCHUMACHER; it was an instinctive maneuver, the chicken obviously didn't see the road until he had already started to cross.
  • PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American. J
  • OHN LOCKE: Because he was exercising his natural right to liberty.
  • ALBERT CAMUS: It doesn't matter; the chicken's actions have no meaning except to him.
  • THE POPE: That is only for God to know.
  • IMMANUAL KANT: The chicken, being an autonomous being, chose to cross the road of his own free will.
  • GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
  • ERICH MARIA REMARQUE: The chicken crossed the road because, after his experience with war, he no longer felt at home in his home.
  • GEORGE ORWELL: Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests.
  • NIETZSCHE: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.
  • JEAN-PAUL SARTRE: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
  • PYRRHO THE SKEPTIC: What road?
  • EMILY DICKINSON: Because it could not stop for death.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Are men obsolete?

BBC News revealed today that scientists have proven for the first time that sperm grown from embryonic stem cells can be used to produce offspring.

That just leaves us opening jars and mowing lawns.....

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Monday, July 10, 2006

Twisted humour

  • One good turn gets most of the blanket
  • Life is uncertain, eat dessert first
  • Dogs believe they are humans. Cats believe they are God.
  • My Karma ran over your Dogma
  • Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
  • Out of Body. Back in five minutes.
  • Just because you're smart doesn't mean the other guy is stupid.
  • Your imagination is your preview of life's coming attractions.
  • I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as
  • they fly by.
  • Life is God's way of preserving meat.
  • I put the 'fun' in dysfunctional
  • Baroque(adj.): When you are out of Monet
  • Life is a bitch but some of the puppies are cute.

How Many Bloggers Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and 1,342 'friends' to post to on that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

53 to flame the spell checkers.

41 to correct spelling/grammar flames.

6 to argue over whether it´s "lightbulb" or "light bulb."

6 to condemn those 6 who are arguing as anal-retentive.

156 to write to the list administrator about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this blog.

109 to post that this blog is not about light bulbs.

111 to defend the posting to this blog saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to all bloggers.

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.

27 to post URL´s where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

14 to post that the URL´s were posted incorrectly and the post the corrected URL´s.

3 to post about links they found from the URL´s that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.

33 to link all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers and then add "Me too".

12 to post to the blog that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

19 to quote the "Me too´s" to say "Me three".

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

44 to ask what is "FAQ".

4 to say "didn´t we go through this already a short time ago on Usenet?"

143 to ask "what´s Usenet?".

Sunday, July 09, 2006

Computer Tech Support from hell

8:05am User called to say they forgot password. Told them to use password retrieval utility called FDISK. Blissfully ignorant, they thank me and hang up. God, we let the people vote and drive, too?

8:12am Accounting called to say they couldn't access expense reports database. Gave them Standard Sys Admin Answer #112, "Well, it works for me." Let them rant and rave while I unplugged my coffeemaker from the UPS and plugged their server back in. Suggested they try it again. One more happy customer...

8:14 am User from 8:05 call said they received error message "Error accessing Drive C." Told them it was an OS problem. Transferred them to microsupport. 11:00 am Relatively quiet for last few hours. Decide to plug support phone back in so I can call my girlfriend. Says parents are coming into town this weekend. Put her on hold and transferred her to janitorial closet down in basement. What is she thinking? The " Quake " and " Doom 3 " nationals are this weekend!

11:34 am Another user calls (do they ever learn?). Says they want ACL changed on HR performance review database so that nobody but HR can access database. Tell them no problem. Hang up. Change ACL. Add @MailSend so performance reviews are sent to */ALL.

12:00 pm Lunch

3:30 pm Return from lunch.

3:55 pm Wake up from nap. Bad dream makes me cranky. Bounce servers for no reason. Return to napping.

4:23 pm Yet another user calls. Wants to know how to change fonts on form. Ask them what chip set they're using. Tell them to call back when they find out.

4:55 pm Decide to run "Create Save/Replication Conflicts" macro so next shift has something to do.

8:30 am Finish reading support log from last night. Sounded busy. Terrible time with Save/Replication conflicts.

9:00 am Support manager arrives. Wants to discuss my attitude. Click on PhoneNotes SmartIcon. "Love to, but kinda busy. Put something in the calendar database!" I yell as I grab for the support lines, which have (mysteriously) lit up. Walks away grumbling.

9:35 pm Team leader from R & D needs ID for new employee. Tell them they need form J-19R=9C9\\DARR\K1. Say they never heard of such a form. Tell them it's in the SPECIAL FORMS database. Say they never heard of such a database. Transfer them to janitorial closet in basement.

10:00 am Perky sounding intern from R & D calls and says she needs new ID. Tell her I need employee number, department name, manager name, and marital status. Run @DbLookup against state parole board database, Centers for Disease Control database, and my Oprah Winfrey database. No hits. Tell her ID will be ready tonight. Drawing from the lessons learned in last week's "Reengineering for Customer Partnership," I offer to personally deliver ID to her apartment.

10:07 am Janitor stops by to say he keeps getting strange calls in basement. Offer to train him on Notes. Begin now. Let him watch console while I grab a smoke.

1:00 pm Return from smoking break. Janitor says phones kept ringing, so he transferred them to cafeteria lady. I like this guy.

1:05 pm Big commotion! Support manager falls in hole left where I pulled floor tiles outside his office door. Stress to him importance of not running in computer room, even if I do yell "Omigod -- Fire!"

1:15 pm Development Standards Committee calls and complains about umlauts in form names. Apologizing for the inconvenience, I tell them I will fix it. Hang up and run global search/replace using gaks.

1:20 pm Mary Hairnet from cafeteria calls. Says she keeps getting calls for "Notice Loads" or "NoLoad Goats," she's not sure, couldn't hear over industrial-grade blender. Tell her it was probably "Lettuce Nodes." Maybe the food distributor with a new product? She thinks about it and hangs up.

2:00 pm Legal secretary calls and says she lost password. Ask her to check in her purse, floor of car, and on bathroom counter. Tell her it probably fell out of back of machine. Suggest she put duct tape over all the airvents she can find on the PC. Grudgingly offer to create new ID for her while she does that.

2:49 pm Janitor comes back. Wants more lessons. I take off rest of day.

8:30 am Irate user calls to say chipset has nothing to do with fonts on form. Tell them Of course, they should have been checking "Bitset," not "chipset." Sheepish user apologizes and hangs up.

9:10am Support manager, with foot in cast, returns to office. Schedules

10:00am meeting with me. User calls and wants to talk to support manager about terrible help at support desk. Tell them manager about to go into meeting. Sometimes life hands you material...

10:01 am Call Louie in janitorial services to cover for me. Go to support manager's office. He says he can't dismiss me but can suggest several lateral career moves. Most involve farm implements in third-world countries with moderate to heavy political turmoil. By and by, I ask if he's aware of new bug which takes full-text indexed random e-mail databases and puts all references to furry handcuffs and Bambi Boomer in Marketing on the corporate Web page. Meeting is adjourned as he reaches for keyboard, Web browser, and Tums.

10:30 am Tell Louie he's doing great job. Offer to show him mainframe corporate PBX system sometime.

11:00 am Lunch.

4:55 pm Return from lunch.

5:00 pm Shift change; Going home. T

8:00 am New guy ( "Marvin" ) started today. " Nice plaids " I offer. Show him server room, wiring closet, and technical library. Set him up with IBM PC-XT. Tell him to quit whining, Notes runs the same in both monochrome and color.

8:45 am New guy's PC finishes booting up. Tell him I'll create new ID for him. Set minimum password length to 64. Go grab smoke.

9:30 am Introduce Louie the custodian to Marvin. "Nice plaids" Louie comments. Is this guy great or what?!

11:00 am Beat Louie in dominos game. Louie leaves. Fish spare dominos out of sleeves ( "Always have backups" ). User calls, says Accounting server is down. Untie Ethernet cable from radio antenna (better reception) and plug back into hub. Tell user to try again. Another happy customer!

11:55 am Brief Marvin on Corporate Policy 98.022.01: "Whereas all new employee beginning on days ending in 'Y' shall enjoy all proper aspects with said corporation, said employee is obligated to provide sustenance and relief to senior technical analyst on shift." Marvin doubts. I point to " Corporate Policy " database (a fine piece of work, if I say so myself! ). "Remember, that's DOUBLE pepperoni and NO peppers!" I yell to Marvin as he steps over open floor tile to get to exit door.

1:00 pm Oooooh! Pizza makes me so sleepy...

4:30 pm Wake from refreshing nap. Catch Marvin scanning want ads.

5:00 pm Shift change. Flick HR's server off and on several times (just testing the On/Off button... ). See ya tomorrow.

8:00 am Night shift still trying to replace power supply in HR server. Told them it worked fine before I left.

9:00 am Marvin still not here. Decide I might start answering these calls myself. Unforward phones from Mailroom.

9:02 am Yep. A user call. Users in Des Moines can't replicate. Me and the Oiuji board determine it's sunspots. Tell them to call Telecommunications.

9:30 am Good God, another user! They're like ants. Says he's in San Diego and can't replicate with Des Moines. Tell him it's sunspots, but with a two-hour difference. Suggest he reset the time on the server back two hours.

10:17 am Pensacola calls. Says they can't route mail to San Diego. Tell them to set server ahead three hours.

11:00 am E-mail from corporate says for everybody to quit resetting the time on their servers. I change the date stamp and forward it to Milwaukee.

11:20 am Finish @CoffeeMake macro. Put phone back on hook.

11:23 am Milwaukee calls, asks what day it is.

11:25 am Support manager stops by to say Marvin called in to quit. "So hard to get good help..." I respond. Support manager says he has appointment with orthopedic doctor this afternoon, and asks if I mind sitting in on the weekly department head meeting for him. "No problem!"

11:30 am Call Louie and tell him opportunity knocks and he's invited to a meeting this afternoon. "Yeah, sure. You can bring your snuff" I tell him.

12:00 am Lunch.

1:00 pm Start full backups on UNIX server. Route them to device NULL to make them fast.

1:03 pm Full weekly backups done. Man, I love modern technology!

2:30 pm Look in support manager's contact management database. Cancel

2:45 pm appointment for him. He really should be at home resting, you know.

2:39 pm New user calls. Says want to learn how to create a connection document. Tell them to run connection document utility CTRL-ALT-DEL. Says PC rebooted. Tell them to call microsupport.

2:50 pm Support manager calls to say mixup at doctor's office means appointment cancelled. Says he's just going to go on home. Ask him if he's seen corporate Web page lately.

3:00 pm Another (novice) user calls. Says periodic macro not working. Suggest they place @DeleteDocument at end of formula. Promise to send them document addendum which says so.

4:00 pm Finish changing foreground color in all documents to white. Also set point size to "2" in help databases.

4:30 pm User calls to say they can't see anything in documents. Tell them to go to view, do a "Edit -- Select All", hit delete key, and then refresh. Promise to send them document addendum which says so.

4:45 pm Another user calls. Says they can't read help documents. Tell them I'll fix it. Hang up. Change font to Wingdings.

4:58 pm Plug coffee maker into Ethernet hub to see what happens. Not (too) much.

5:00 pm Night shift shows up. Tell that the hub is acting funny and to have a good weekend.

Friday, July 07, 2006

Beckhams resignation notes

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"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
- Governor George W. Bush Jr.

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
- Governor George W. Bush Jr., 8/11/94

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
- Governor George W. Bush Jr., 9/15/95

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
- Governor George W. Bush Jr., 12/6/93

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
- Governor George W. Bush Jr.

"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
- Governor George W. Bush Jr., 9/21/97

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
- Governor George W. Bush Jr. to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
- Governor George W. Bush Jr.

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
- Governor George W. Bush Jr.

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
- Governor George W. Bush Jr., 9/22/97

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
- Governor George W. Bush Jr.

The Letter


Laura Schlessinger is a US radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that as an observant Orthodox Jew homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned in any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to follow them.

a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.

d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

e) I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

g) Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?

i) I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev.24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging. Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.

Thursday, July 06, 2006


In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin. Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink".

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006


Don't see goals like this in the World Cup


60 years ago today Louis Reard, a fashion entrepreneur, introduced launched the Bikini on the world in Paris.

Louis named the Bikini after the nuclear test on a tiny South Pacific island, the Bikini Atoll, by the United States military.

The Bikini was seen to be so skimpy that Louis had a problem getting a Parisian model to wear it. So he was forced to use Micheline Bernardini (a nude dancer at the Casino de Paris) to reveal his design to the public.

Three weeks prior another designer Jacques Heim introduced the world to the 'Atome' advertised by a sky writing plane as 'the world's smallest bathing suit'. Louis responded with another sky writing plane with the message 'Bikini -- smaller than the smallest bathing suit in the world'.

But evidence has it that the 'Bikini' was already over a 1000 years old when Louis 're-invented' it. Pictures exist in a Roman villa called 'The Ten Maidens' which clearly shows Roman women wearing a bikini type outfit.

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Sunday, July 02, 2006

It's great to be a bloke because:

  1. Your arse is never a factor in a job interview.
  2. Your orgasms are real. Always.
  3. Your last name stays put.
  4. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
  5. You don't give a rat's arse if someone notices your new haircut.
  6. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
  7. Wrinkles add character.
  8. A few well placed one night stands gain credibility, not leave you
  9. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
  10. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
  11. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
  12. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
  13. Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
  14. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
  15. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with "So, notice anything different?"
  16. You can appreciate great sport.
  17. You can throw a ball more than 5 feet.
  18. One mood, ALL the damn time.
  19. A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
  20. You can open all your own jars.
  21. Dry cleaners and hairdressers don't rob you blind.
  22. You can go to a public toilet without a support group.
  23. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
  24. You can kill your own food.
  25. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
  26. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
  27. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
  28. Everything on your face stays its original colour.
  29. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
  30. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
  31. you don't have to clean your flat if the electricity meter reader is coming.
  32. You can sit in silence watching a football game with your mate for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."
  33. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
  34. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
  35. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
  36. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
  37. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
  38. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
  39. You don't have to shave below your neck.
  40. Your belly usually hides your big hips.
  41. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons.
  42. You can "do" your nails with a pocket-knife.
  43. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
  44. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.
  45. The world is your urinal.

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New Parrot Sketch

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Fancy Dress

There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party... Then he had a bright idea.

When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with nothing on but his underwear.
"What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host.
"A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!"

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Weather by Wulfweard

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Can't be to careful

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No comment

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Anyone looking for a summer job?

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