Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Dear Vincent

An old Italian man lived alone in the United States. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.

Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love, Vinnie

Saturday, August 26, 2006

Ice cream anyone?

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A report published by the UK government predicts more than 12m adults and one million children in Britain will be obese by 2010 if nothing is done.


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The short period Darth Vader flirted with the not so dark side

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Any other suggestions for a quote for this picture?

What about.

Darth soon got fed up with being called Knobhead and went back to black.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006


Mr. Wally Zimbrowski,
Wal-Mart Complaint Department
Dayton, OH

Dear Mrs. Bates,

Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. George Bates, has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning your entire family from shopping in any of our stores.
We have documented all these incidents with our video surveillance equipment.

Three of our clerks are now attending counseling for the emotional stress caused from the trouble your husband has created. All of our complaints against Mr. Bates have been compiled and are listed below.


Re: Mr. George Bates Complaints -
15 Things Mr. Bates has done while his wife is shopping:

  1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they were not looking.
  2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to individually go off at 5-minute intervals.
  3. July 7: Made a trail of pineapple juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
  4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in Housewares... and watched to see what would happen.
  5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked them to reserve a bag of M&M's for him which he would buy later.
  6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
  7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he would invite them in if they would bring pillows from the bedding department.
  8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, why can't you people just leave me alone?'
  9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
  10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
  11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
  12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
  13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
  14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he fell to the floor in the fetal position and while loudly sucking his thumb, screamed “NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
  15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited several minutes. Then, yelled, very loudly, "There's no toilet paper in here!"

Saturday, August 19, 2006

How my mind works

If at first you don't succeed ... don't try skydiving.

You know it's a bad day when you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.

Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell.

Winning isn't everything, eating is.

I'm objective; I object to everything.

Everything I need to know I got from watching Eastenders.

It's bad luck to be superstitious.

Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.

I'm not losing hair, it's just my head is getting bigger.

Cynics are people who know the price of everything and the value of nothing.

Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.

I love my country - I fear my government.

Schizophrenia beats being alone.

The whole purpose of my life is to serve as a warning to others.

Save the whales, collect the whole set.

It's only a game until you lose.

When all else fails, lower your standards.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar!

Lead me not into temptation; I can find it myself.

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

My lucky number has been disconnected.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!

The shortest distance between two points is still under construction.

But what is the speed of dark?

I don't need to be stupid. We have politicians for that.

People who think they know what they're doing are especially annoying to those of us who do.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at maths.

Don't worry about life; you're not going to survive it, anyway.

Life is a sexually transmitted disease.

Everytime I find the meaning of life, they change it.

You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Computers help us to do stupid things faster.

Nice guys finish last and bring you breakfast in bed.

I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?

You'll need to know my name. You'll be screaming it later.

Plagiarism is copying from one source; research is copying from two or more.

Just when you think you've won the rat race along come faster rats.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

If you understand something today, it must be obsolete.

i souport komprehnsith edekasion.

I'm safe but I wouldn't want to see me working with subatomic particles.

Saturday, August 12, 2006


"Squawks" are problems noted by U.S. Air force pilots and left for
maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some actual maintenance complaints logged by those Pilots and the responses of the maintenance crews. (P) = problem, (S) = solution

(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
(S) Autoland not installed on this model

(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1, #3, #4 propellers lack normal seepage

(P) something loose in cockpit
(S) something tightened in cockpit

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level

(P) Dead bugs on windshield
(S) Live bugs on order

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent
(S) Cannot reproduce problems on ground

(P) IFF inoperative
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode

(P) Friction lock causes throttle levers to stick
(S) That's what they're there for

(P) Number three engine missing
(S) Engine found on right wing after a brief search

(P) Aircraft handles funny
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious

(P) Target Radar hums
(S) Reprogrammed target radar with the words

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Would have gone down a storm at Brighton Gay Parade yesterday

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No fun being a sperm

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Joke from Carol

An Amish boy and his father were in a shopping mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that could move apart and slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching in amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair rolled her way up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small chamber. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until the last number was reached; then the numbers began to light in reverse order. Finally the walls opened again, and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son........ "Go get your mother."

Michael Jackson's new makeover goes very wrong

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The mighty fine book

American Evangelist Pat Robertson wants to introduce "cooler" versions of the Bible,including a Country-Western Bible.

Here are some verses:

Moses leads a mess o' kinfolk through a sea of red necks.

Jesus turned the water into Coors Light... and nobody noticed!

"Jesus did moan and wail and gnash his teeth for he knew not the steps to the Sandal-Scootin' Boogie."

"...and the burning bush his wife showed to Moses turned out to be naught but an infection of yeast."

"...and Jesus approached the tomb and yelled: 'Lazarus! Get your bony ass out here, boy!'"

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Joke of the day

After a long night of making love to his new girlfriend, Fred notices a photo of a man on her bedside table. At first, he really didn't give it much thought; she had never mentioned it so why should he. But after a month or so he begins to stress about it; even imagining the photo is staring at him doing the deed.It was causing him so much anxiety that he finally decides to ask about it.
"Is this your ex-husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Another boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery"

Australia - FAQ

The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Harvey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You're a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

The final frontier

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