Sunday, November 26, 2006

Joke of the day

Once there was a penguin whose car broke down. He took it in to get it serviced, and while it was being worked on, he went shopping.

He returned later that day to see what had happened to his car, and the mechanic told him, “It looks like you’ve blown a seal.”

The penguin, chuckling, and wiping his beak replied, “No, I’ve just eaten some ice-cream.”

Still life or death?


Who's namesake has the best job?

Google/Yahoo your name and see what jobs your namesakes have.

I have a Sculptor from the Wirral who has made plaques for Richard Branson.
A Profesor in Fishery and Wildlife Biology from Colorado.
A Photographer from Toronto.
Chief Operating Officer of 'Wet Seal Incorporated' California
A Gothic Carpenter from Indiana
Member of the The Brandy Stills Country and Western Band
Adjunct Professor. Mathematics, Clearwater Campus St Petersburg
A Baseball/Softball specialist from New South Wales.
A School of Motoring in Fife Scotland.
Manager of the Bahamas football team.
Someone serving life inprisonment (for a crime he didn't do) in Western Australia.
A Orthokeratologist (therapeutic optometrist and glaucoma specialist)in San Antonio.
A Bell 47 helicopter enthusiast from Toronto.
A man in Arkansas with a 20lb tumour.
A Cosmetic Dentist in Fort Worth and
A vet in California.
Anyone got any better ones?

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A pun my word

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Inspirational Posters I would like to see at work

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

We put the "k" in "kwality."

If something doesn't feel right, you're not feeling the right thing.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity

A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.

Plagiarism saves time.

If at first you don't succeed, try management.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

We waste time, so you don't have to.

Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.


Succeed in spite of management.

Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

We waste more time by 8:00 in the morning than other companies do all day.

You pretend to work, and we'll pretend to pay you.

Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.

Happy Thanksgiving to all my American friends



Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Serfdom to Surf Doom

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Should get to work on time tomorrow

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QI - Quotes

Stephen Fry: Welcome to QI, the show that rhymes with Stephen Fry.

Stephen Fry: How do otters kill crocodiles?
Rob Brydon: Softly with their songs.

Stephen Fry: What is attractive about the Costa Rican Army?
Jo Brand: They have a pulse.

[advice on airline food]
Stephen Fry: Anything white is sweet, anything brown is meat, anything grey, don't eat.

Stephen Fry: If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people in the world?

[the contestants are discussing elephants]
Alan Davies: Do they take it down the trunk?
Clive Anderson: After a few drinks, they'll take it anywhere.

Clive Anderson: I'm fascinated that hair grows after death, I'm looking forward to that.

Sean Lock: Banana plants, whatever they're called, walk.
Stephen Fry: [looking off-stage] Nurse, nurse, he's out of bed again.

Stephen Fry: If a Lion mates with a Tiger, you get a...?
Alan Davies: Scandal.

Stephen Fry: Welcome to the show that refreshes the parts other shows doesn't even have names for.

Jeremy Clarkson: [Recounting a trip to Amsterdam] I walked into a brothel on Saturday.
Stephen Fry: You heard it here first, folks.
Jeremy Clarkson: It was like a motorway services station toilet.
Alan Davies: That must have been a Welcome Break.

Stephen Fry: What's the collective noun for a group of baboons?
Rich Hall: The Pentagon.

Stephen Fry: This is turning into the most appaling Primary School nonsense.

Stephen Fry: [holding his clenched left fist out in front of him] If I had a moth ball in this hand and a moth ball in that hand,
[bringing out his right fist]
Stephen Fry: What have I got?
Alan Davies: Two moth balls?
Stephen Fry: No, a very excited moth.

Rich Hall: Doctors use acronyms, such as GOMER - Get Out of My Emergency Room, or SARA - Sexual Activity Related Accident.
Stephen Fry: There is one that doctors use in my part of the world which is NFN - Normal for Norfolk.

Stephen Fry: Why is a Marathon 26 miles, 385 yards long?
Alan Davies: I feel a trap coming on.

Stephen Fry: What is the commonest material in the world?
Clive Anderson: Jim Davidson.

Alan Davies: I am *not* as stupid as you think!
Stephen Fry: No, you're not, you couldn't be.

Stephen Fry: What's long and pink and hard in the morning?
Stephen Fry: "The Financial Times'" crossword.

Stephen Fry: [during an odd one out question] None of them is the odd one out is the answer. Do you know why?
Phill Jupitus: What kind of a hellish quiz is this?
Stephen Fry: Fair point.
Phill Jupitus: "What one's the odd one out? None of them. Baah, bah, bah, bah."
Stephen Fry: Hey. Is that me?
Phill Jupitus: That's you.
Stephen Fry: Oh bugger you. I don't sound like that. Baah, bah, bah.

Stephen Fry: [after stating the Thomas Eddison invented the word Hello] The word that existed before as "hullo" h-u-l-l-o, which never meant a greeting, it just meant an expression of surprise - "Hullo, what have we got here?" "Hullo, what's this?" We still use it in that sense.
Bill Bailey: Do we?
Stephen Fry: "Hullo, what's that?" ... Don't we, Bill?
Bill Bailey: Yes. Yes, when we live our life like 1950s detective films. I often go to my fridge, "Hullo, we're out of milk. I say mother, where's the milk?"
Stephen Fry: You beast, you beast, you utter, utter beast.

Stephen Fry: [regarding a village in the mountains of Nuremberg, Germany] Now what did this village provide the whole world with for more than a hundred consecutive Christmases?
Sean Lock: War criminals.

Sean Lock: The American cat's eyes break every time you go over them.
Stephen Fry: Do you know why that is?
Sean Lock: Because they're shit.

[answering the question, "What does fear smell like?"]
Rich Hall: I think fear smells of crab salad. I went to this deli the other day and said "Can I have a crab salad sandwich?", and the woman behind the counter said "We're out of crab salad, I'm afraid".

Alan Davies: Why are there no aspirins in the jungle?
Alan Davies: The parrots-eat-em-all!

Stephen Fry: What do we know about the Magi?
Phill Jupitus: They taught Luke Skywalker everything he knows.

Alan Davies: [about tortoises] My nephew's got one, and it attacks you. It actually runs and throws itself at your feet.
Sean Lock: You sure that's not a rabbit in a helmet?

Bill Bailey: [who collected butterflies as a kid] The irony was that moths got into the collection and ate them all!

Phill Jupitus: [during a round about the sinking of the Titanic] Is it true that someone dressed as a lady to escape detection?
Stephen Fry: Yes, apparently it is true because it was women and children first.
Bill Bailey: [laughs] I thought you said "someone dressed as a *baby*"
Phill Jupitus: [putting on posh accent] "Yes, goo-goo indeed. I have a lollipop and I have no control over my urinary functions. I am, in fact, an infant. And I know you think I'm Lord Albermal, but I am in fact a little baby. With a beard. Yes, goo-goo, gaa-gaa. And Madam, may I tell you I've been a very naughty baby."!

Stephen Fry: A question for Rich. How would you French-kiss a woodpecker?
Rich Hall: You would have to seduce it. You would have to get it interested in you. Put a toothpick in your mouth. Say nice things to it. "That's nice plumage." Then give it a date rape drug.
Alan Davies: Should all else fail.

Stephen Fry: Can anyone tell me what the national bird of England is?
Jo Brand: I can tell you what it is for women: Thrush.
Alan Davies: I can tell you what it is for men: Cock.

Stephen Fry: [signing off] And as they say in Ireland, may you get to Heaven a half-hour before the Devil knows you're dead.

Inside Dracula's kitchen

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How far would you go with an implant?

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Apple Mac rediscover snail mail

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Sunday, November 05, 2006

Lip reading for beginners

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"Please be quiet"

Joke of the day

Honey, I want a divorce

A married couple is driving along the highway doing a steady fourty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband abruptly looks across at her, speaking in a clear voice, and says “Darling, I know we’ve been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce.”

The wife says nothing, keeping her eyes on the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.

The husband speaks again, saying this time: “I don’t want you to try and talk me out of it, because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and she’s a far better lover than you.”

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.

He pushes his luck. “I want the house,” he demands. Up to 60 mph. “I want the car, too,” he continues. 65 mph! “And,” he says, “I’ll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards, the boat, and our dog!”

The car slowly begins veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: “Isn’t there anything you want?”

At last the wife replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. “No, I’ve got everything I need.” she says.

“Oh, really?” he inquires, “So what exactly have you got?

Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turns to him and says…………… “The airbag.”

Proverb of the Day

In 2200 BC, in ancient Egypt, an inscription was written:
“The mouth of a perfectly contented man is filled with beer.”
Nice to see some things don't change with time.

Hope it doesn't get this cold

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McDonalds - Korean Style

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Cards for all occasions

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Not in this club yet - thank God

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