Sunday, December 02, 2007

One of lifes losers

Fire investigators in Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short circuit in the home owner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system.
"This is even worse than last year," said the distraught home owner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

What do you mean dads back from Iraq? I can't see him!

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Sign of the times

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Homer Simpsons Hand Drier


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Pimms anyone?

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - A fruity cocktail may not only be fun to drink but may count as health food, U.S. and Thai researchers said on Thursday.
Adding ethanol -- the type of alcohol found in rum, vodka, tequila and other spirits -- boosted the antioxidant nutrients in strawberries and blackberries, the researchers found.

Any colored fruit might be made even more healthful with the addition of a splash of alcohol, they report in the Journal of the Science of Food and Agriculture.

Dr. Korakot Chanjirakul and colleagues at Kasetsart University in Thailand and scientists at the U.S.
Department of Agriculture stumbled upon their finding unexpectedly.

They were exploring ways to help keep strawberries fresh during storage. Treating the berries with alcohol increased in antioxidant capacity and free radical scavenging activity, they found.

Any colored fruit or vegetable is rich in antioxidants, which are chemicals that can cancel out the cell-damaging effects of compounds called free radicals.

Berries, for instance, contain compounds known as polyphenols and anthocyanins. People who eat more of these fruits and vegetables have a documented lower risk of cancer, heart disease and some neurological diseases.

The study did not address whether adding a little cocktail umbrella enhanced the effects.

T'was 4 and twenty blackbirds there a minute ago......

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Whoops

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Small ads


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He wore a itsy bitsy teeny..............


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I'm scared, don't know about you?

Joke of the day

A very popular Scotsman dies in Glasgow and his old widow wishes to tell all his friends at once so she goes to the newspaper and says
"I'd like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband" The man at the desk says "OK, how much money dae ye have?"
The old woman replies "£5" to which the man says "You wont get many words for that, fur tis a £1 a word" so the old woman writes something and hands it over the counter and the man reads "Peter Reid, fae Parkheid, deid"
He feels guilty at the abruptness of the statement and informs the old woman that she can have 4 more words for free. The old woman ponders and then adds a few more words and hand the paper over the counter again. The man then reads "Peter Reid, fae Parkheid deid. Ford Escort for sale"

Honesty

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Sunday, March 04, 2007

A Horse A Horse........

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Nice to see George W knows where his heart is....


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Book at bedtime


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If Abbot and Costello were alive today

Here is a script that might have appealed to Abbott and Costello if they were alive and performing today

LOU COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals and track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START" ............

No I agree it wouldn't have worked.......

Been to the 'meeting' tonight

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Israeli Olympic swimming team accused of cheating


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Forget-me-not

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Would you Adam and Eve it?

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Sunday Book meme

1) Grab the closest book to you.

The book case nearest the computer is my storage space for 70/80s paperbacks. The first to come to hand was 'Locusts' by Guy N Smith. Written in 1979 along the terror writing lines of James Herbert.

2) Open to page 123, go down to the 4th sentence.

3) Post the text of the following 3 sentences on your blog.

'My God!' Blade saw the huddled heap of flesh and bone lying in front of the stables. Both men felt the nausea rising. Unrecognizable, but they knew what it was.

VoilĂ .

Yo Ho Ho I've mullered my bum

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Trust

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Everything comes to those who wait


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Hilary Clinton prepares to be president

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Monday, January 15, 2007

Ode to Leo Sayer

Sung to 'When I need Love'

When I need pants
I look in my case and I find some
And all that I want are before me
They’re only a hand stretch away
When I need pants
I hold out my hands
And I ask you
I never knew I had run out of my pants
Not even a pair for today

Miles & miles of empty space in between us
Swearing doesn’t sway you at all
But you know I won’t be staying here forever
I’m not a lout
Turn them inside out
Just like you do
When I need pants
I can’t wash the skid marks before you
And all that I want is a fresh pair babe
It’s all that I want for today

It’s not easy when your bowel is irregular
Honey that’s a heavy load that I bear
But you know I won’t be skid marked forever
I’m not a lout
Turn them inside out
Just like you do
Oh I need pants….

When I need pants
I go to M&S
and I buy pants
I never knew there was so many pants
Keeping my bum clean night & day

When I need pants
I don’t want to become an arsehole
Keeping my bum clean night & day
I just hold out my hands
I just hold out my hands
And plead with you BB
Yes plead with you BB
and All I get from you
Is a large cheque to be on my way

All the fun of the fair


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Bang goes my no claims bonus


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Think I might have a problem convincing the insurance brokers about this one

Coke heads


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BUSH - The man they all love to hate


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Tastes like chicken


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Involuntary Muscular Contractions

A college Professor was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.
Realising that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Probably out drinking beer with his mates."

Psychological Fact

Interesting Psychological Fact (that speaks volumes on the underestimation of the effects of estrogen)

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to prefer a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his arse while he is on fire.

Further studies in this area have been canceled

Hard to swallow


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