Wulfweard the White

The moment that Mary-Beth realised Mary-Jo might be John-Boy

2010-08-23T19:47:00.000+01:00

9 Months later

2010-08-23T19:25:00.001+01:00

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.

They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?' 'Yes, I do.' Said Keith.

'Did you, ER, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Keith's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'

Will I live to 80?

2010-08-23T19:23:00.000+01:00

Here’s something to think about.
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing “fairly well” for my age. (I just turned 50.) A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, “Do you think I’ll live to be 80?”

He asked, “Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine, indulge in chocolate or coffee?”
“Oh no,” I replied. “I’m not doing drugs, either!”
Then he asked, “Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
“I said, “Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!”

“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?”
“No, I don’t,” I said.
He asked, “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?”
“No,” I said.
He looked at me and said,... “Then, why do you even give a shi*t?”

Sums me up

2009-07-27T18:44:00.000+01:00

Does this sum up Britain?

2008-06-11T14:56:00.000+01:00

I don't know where this letter came from but I think it speaks a lot of truths....

Dear Minister,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am at a total loss to understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.

How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals, Basingstoke, has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?

How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with contractors working for the government?

How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel I am watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the government run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time.
Do you people do this by hand?

You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one with all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd years. It's on my health insurance card, my driver's licence, on the last four passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time our lords and masters are up for re-election.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother's name is Mary, her maiden name was Reynolds, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I die!

I apologise Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning. But between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to activate the Fifth Reich for God's sake! I just want to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of week's well-earned rest away from all this crap.

Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some tosser to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know... the one where we're not allowed to smile in in case we look as if we are enjoying the process!
Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally jacked off!

I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years at the Ministry of Defence in London. I have had security clearances which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the Services. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am -- you know, someone like my doctor...
who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN PAKISTAN...

Yours sincerely,
An Irate British Citizen.

I smell trouble

2008-02-23T16:53:00.001Z

What all young Wizards should have

2007-12-04T07:34:00.000Z

One of lifes losers

2007-12-02T18:58:00.000Z

Fire investigators in Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short circuit in the home owner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system.
"This is even worse than last year," said the distraught home owner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."

Proof French Fries are good for your heart

2007-12-01T20:04:00.000Z

Lost in interpretation

2007-07-23T21:10:00.000+01:00

What do you mean dads back from Iraq? I can't see him!

2007-04-25T09:13:00.001+01:00

Sign of the times

2007-04-25T09:12:00.001+01:00

Homer Simpsons Hand Drier

2007-04-25T09:11:00.001+01:00

Pimms anyone?

2007-04-25T09:10:00.001+01:00

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - A fruity cocktail may not only be fun to drink but may count as health food, U.S. and Thai researchers said on Thursday.
Adding ethanol -- the type of alcohol found in rum, vodka, tequila and other spirits -- boosted the antioxidant nutrients in strawberries and blackberries, the researchers found.

Any colored fruit might be made even more healthful with the addition of a splash of alcohol, they report in the Journal of the Science of Food and Agriculture.

Dr. Korakot Chanjirakul and colleagues at Kasetsart University in Thailand and scientists at the U.S.
Department of Agriculture stumbled upon their finding unexpectedly.

They were exploring ways to help keep strawberries fresh during storage. Treating the berries with alcohol increased in antioxidant capacity and free radical scavenging activity, they found.

Any colored fruit or vegetable is rich in antioxidants, which are chemicals that can cancel out the cell-damaging effects of compounds called free radicals.

Berries, for instance, contain compounds known as polyphenols and anthocyanins. People who eat more of these fruits and vegetables have a documented lower risk of cancer, heart disease and some neurological diseases.

The study did not address whether adding a little cocktail umbrella enhanced the effects.

T'was 4 and twenty blackbirds there a minute ago......

2007-04-25T09:08:00.000+01:00

Whoops

2007-04-25T09:06:00.000+01:00

Small ads

2007-04-25T09:05:00.001+01:00

He wore a itsy bitsy teeny..............

2007-04-25T09:03:00.000+01:00

I'm scared, don't know about you?

Joke of the day

2007-04-25T09:02:00.000+01:00

A very popular Scotsman dies in Glasgow and his old widow wishes to tell all his friends at once so she goes to the newspaper and says
"I'd like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband" The man at the desk says "OK, how much money dae ye have?"
The old woman replies "£5" to which the man says "You wont get many words for that, fur tis a £1 a word" so the old woman writes something and hands it over the counter and the man reads "Peter Reid, fae Parkheid, deid"
He feels guilty at the abruptness of the statement and informs the old woman that she can have 4 more words for free. The old woman ponders and then adds a few more words and hand the paper over the counter again. The man then reads "Peter Reid, fae Parkheid deid. Ford Escort for sale"

Honesty

2007-04-25T09:00:00.000+01:00

A Horse A Horse........

2007-03-04T10:09:00.001Z

Nice to see George W knows where his heart is....

2007-03-04T09:44:00.001Z

Book at bedtime

2007-03-04T09:43:00.001Z

If Abbot and Costello were alive today

2007-03-04T09:42:00.000Z

Here is a script that might have appealed to Abbott and Costello if they were alive and performing today

LOU COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals and track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START" ............

No I agree it wouldn't have worked.......

Been to the 'meeting' tonight

2007-03-04T09:39:00.000Z

Israeli Olympic swimming team accused of cheating

2007-03-04T09:37:00.000Z

Forget-me-not

2007-03-04T09:36:00.000Z

Would you Adam and Eve it?

2007-03-04T09:35:00.000Z

Sunday Book meme

2007-03-04T09:34:00.000Z

1) Grab the closest book to you.

The book case nearest the computer is my storage space for 70/80s paperbacks. The first to come to hand was 'Locusts' by Guy N Smith. Written in 1979 along the terror writing lines of James Herbert.

2) Open to page 123, go down to the 4th sentence.

3) Post the text of the following 3 sentences on your blog.

'My God!' Blade saw the huddled heap of flesh and bone lying in front of the stables. Both men felt the nausea rising. Unrecognizable, but they knew what it was.

Voilà.

Yo Ho Ho I've mullered my bum

2007-03-04T09:33:00.000Z

Trust

2007-03-04T09:32:00.000Z

Everything comes to those who wait

2007-03-04T09:31:00.000Z

Hilary Clinton prepares to be president

2007-03-04T09:29:00.000Z

Unfortunate name

2007-02-18T09:34:00.001Z

NHS Service at hand

2007-02-18T09:33:00.000Z

Cost of learning

2007-02-18T09:32:00.000Z

One of those days

2007-02-18T09:31:00.000Z

Inside a Korean fridge

2007-02-18T09:28:00.000Z

Ever wondered......?

2007-02-18T09:26:00.000Z

Ode to Leo Sayer

2007-01-15T08:15:00.000Z

Sung to 'When I need Love'

When I need pants
I look in my case and I find some
And all that I want are before me
They’re only a hand stretch away
When I need pants
I hold out my hands
And I ask you
I never knew I had run out of my pants
Not even a pair for today

Miles & miles of empty space in between us
Swearing doesn’t sway you at all
But you know I won’t be staying here forever
I’m not a lout
Turn them inside out
Just like you do
When I need pants
I can’t wash the skid marks before you
And all that I want is a fresh pair babe
It’s all that I want for today

It’s not easy when your bowel is irregular
Honey that’s a heavy load that I bear
But you know I won’t be skid marked forever
I’m not a lout
Turn them inside out
Just like you do
Oh I need pants….

When I need pants
I go to M&S
and I buy pants
I never knew there was so many pants
Keeping my bum clean night & day

When I need pants
I don’t want to become an arsehole
Keeping my bum clean night & day
I just hold out my hands
I just hold out my hands
And plead with you BB
Yes plead with you BB
and All I get from you
Is a large cheque to be on my way

All the fun of the fair

2007-01-15T08:14:00.000Z

Bang goes my no claims bonus

2007-01-15T08:13:00.002Z

Think I might have a problem convincing the insurance brokers about this one

Coke heads

2007-01-15T08:13:00.001Z

BUSH - The man they all love to hate

2007-01-15T08:12:00.001Z

Tastes like chicken

2007-01-15T08:11:00.001Z

Involuntary Muscular Contractions

2007-01-15T08:10:00.000Z

A college Professor was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.
Realising that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Probably out drinking beer with his mates."

Psychological Fact

2007-01-15T08:09:00.000Z

Interesting Psychological Fact (that speaks volumes on the underestimation of the effects of estrogen)

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to prefer a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his arse while he is on fire.

Further studies in this area have been canceled

Hard to swallow

2007-01-15T08:08:00.000Z

How to know you are stuck in the 80's

2006-12-10T11:38:00.002Z

You relax by putting on your legwarmers and dancing to the "Footloose" soundtrack
You're still bitter that Wham! broke up
You still type all of your letters on a Commodore 64
The only video games you play are Frogger and Pac Man
A-Ha's "Take on Me" is still your favorite video
You call all motorcycle cops "Ponch"
You're still upset Madonna and Sean broke up
You want to be Molly Ringwald/Matthew Broderick when you grow up
You enjoy dancing on the ceiling and wearing your sunglasses at night
You still think of Janet Jackson as "that girl who used to date Willis"
Every time you see a fountain you want to dance around it and yell "Fame!"
You still sing comma, comma, comma to Karma Chameleon
You know that girls just wanna have fuh-un
You can do the Safety Dance
In your spare time you are writing "The Breakfast Club 2"
You want to change your name to Rio and dance on the sand
Your favorite party game is Hungry Hungry Hippos
You practice getting in and out of your car through the windows
You know ALF's real name
You can name all of the Thundercats
Everything in your wardrobe is either pastel or fluorescent
When you're stuck in traffic you tell your car to engage Turbo Boost and are surprised when it doesn't talk back
Your idea of appreciating ancient cultures is to "Walk Like an Egyptian"
You still have a 'Choose Life' or 'Relax' tee-shirt
You're still sending death threats to Mr. Rubik

Health and Safety Aware

2006-12-10T11:38:00.001Z

Life in the country

2006-12-10T11:37:00.002Z

Lingerie 2

2006-12-10T11:37:00.001Z

There's customer sevice for you

2006-12-10T11:36:00.001Z

Lingerie

2006-12-10T11:35:00.002Z

Need to get a bigger tent

2006-12-10T11:35:00.001Z

Don't beat around the bush

2006-12-10T11:34:00.003Z

Red Neck dating

2006-12-10T11:34:00.001Z

Confused

2006-12-10T11:33:00.001Z

I was just reading through a blog about "50 Things to do Before You Die" and I was really surprised that none of them was "Shout for help!"

Joke of the day

2006-11-26T15:09:00.001Z

Once there was a penguin whose car broke down. He took it in to get it serviced, and while it was being worked on, he went shopping.

He returned later that day to see what had happened to his car, and the mechanic told him, “It looks like you’ve blown a seal.”

The penguin, chuckling, and wiping his beak replied, “No, I’ve just eaten some ice-cream.”

Still life or death?

2006-11-26T15:08:00.002Z

Who's namesake has the best job?

2006-11-26T15:08:00.001Z

Google/Yahoo your name and see what jobs your namesakes have.

I have a Sculptor from the Wirral who has made plaques for Richard Branson.
A Profesor in Fishery and Wildlife Biology from Colorado.
A Photographer from Toronto.
Chief Operating Officer of 'Wet Seal Incorporated' California
A Gothic Carpenter from Indiana
Member of the The Brandy Stills Country and Western Band
Adjunct Professor. Mathematics, Clearwater Campus St Petersburg
A Baseball/Softball specialist from New South Wales.
A School of Motoring in Fife Scotland.
Manager of the Bahamas football team.
Someone serving life inprisonment (for a crime he didn't do) in Western Australia.
A Orthokeratologist (therapeutic optometrist and glaucoma specialist)in San Antonio.
A Bell 47 helicopter enthusiast from Toronto.
A man in Arkansas with a 20lb tumour.
A Cosmetic Dentist in Fort Worth and
A vet in California.
Anyone got any better ones?

A pun my word

2006-11-26T15:07:00.003Z

Inspirational Posters I would like to see at work

2006-11-26T15:07:00.001Z

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

We put the "k" in "kwality."

If something doesn't feel right, you're not feeling the right thing.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity

A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.

Plagiarism saves time.

If at first you don't succeed, try management.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

We waste time, so you don't have to.

Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

Succeed in spite of management.

Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

We waste more time by 8:00 in the morning than other companies do all day.

You pretend to work, and we'll pretend to pay you.

Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.

Happy Thanksgiving to all my American friends

2006-11-26T15:05:00.000Z

Serfdom to Surf Doom

2006-11-14T19:23:00.002Z

Should get to work on time tomorrow

2006-11-14T19:23:00.001Z

QI - Quotes

2006-11-14T19:21:00.002Z

Stephen Fry: Welcome to QI, the show that rhymes with Stephen Fry.

Stephen Fry: How do otters kill crocodiles?
Rob Brydon: Softly with their songs.

Stephen Fry: What is attractive about the Costa Rican Army?
Jo Brand: They have a pulse.

[advice on airline food]
Stephen Fry: Anything white is sweet, anything brown is meat, anything grey, don't eat.

Stephen Fry: If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people in the world?

[the contestants are discussing elephants]
Alan Davies: Do they take it down the trunk?
Clive Anderson: After a few drinks, they'll take it anywhere.

Clive Anderson: I'm fascinated that hair grows after death, I'm looking forward to that.

Sean Lock: Banana plants, whatever they're called, walk.
Stephen Fry: [looking off-stage] Nurse, nurse, he's out of bed again.

Stephen Fry: If a Lion mates with a Tiger, you get a...?
Alan Davies: Scandal.

Stephen Fry: Welcome to the show that refreshes the parts other shows doesn't even have names for.

Jeremy Clarkson: [Recounting a trip to Amsterdam] I walked into a brothel on Saturday.
Stephen Fry: You heard it here first, folks.
Jeremy Clarkson: It was like a motorway services station toilet.
Alan Davies: That must have been a Welcome Break.

Stephen Fry: What's the collective noun for a group of baboons?
Rich Hall: The Pentagon.

Stephen Fry: This is turning into the most appaling Primary School nonsense.

Stephen Fry: [holding his clenched left fist out in front of him] If I had a moth ball in this hand and a moth ball in that hand,
[bringing out his right fist]
Stephen Fry: What have I got?
Alan Davies: Two moth balls?
Stephen Fry: No, a very excited moth.

Rich Hall: Doctors use acronyms, such as GOMER - Get Out of My Emergency Room, or SARA - Sexual Activity Related Accident.
Stephen Fry: There is one that doctors use in my part of the world which is NFN - Normal for Norfolk.

Stephen Fry: Why is a Marathon 26 miles, 385 yards long?
Alan Davies: I feel a trap coming on.

Stephen Fry: What is the commonest material in the world?
Clive Anderson: Jim Davidson.

Alan Davies: I am *not* as stupid as you think!
Stephen Fry: No, you're not, you couldn't be.

Stephen Fry: What's long and pink and hard in the morning?
[pause]
Stephen Fry: "The Financial Times'" crossword.

Stephen Fry: [during an odd one out question] None of them is the odd one out is the answer. Do you know why?
Phill Jupitus: What kind of a hellish quiz is this?
Stephen Fry: Fair point.
Phill Jupitus: "What one's the odd one out? None of them. Baah, bah, bah, bah."
Stephen Fry: Hey. Is that me?
Phill Jupitus: That's you.
Stephen Fry: Oh bugger you. I don't sound like that. Baah, bah, bah.

Stephen Fry: [after stating the Thomas Eddison invented the word Hello] The word that existed before as "hullo" h-u-l-l-o, which never meant a greeting, it just meant an expression of surprise - "Hullo, what have we got here?" "Hullo, what's this?" We still use it in that sense.
Bill Bailey: Do we?
Stephen Fry: "Hullo, what's that?" ... Don't we, Bill?
Bill Bailey: Yes. Yes, when we live our life like 1950s detective films. I often go to my fridge, "Hullo, we're out of milk. I say mother, where's the milk?"
Stephen Fry: You beast, you beast, you utter, utter beast.

Stephen Fry: [regarding a village in the mountains of Nuremberg, Germany] Now what did this village provide the whole world with for more than a hundred consecutive Christmases?
Sean Lock: War criminals.

Sean Lock: The American cat's eyes break every time you go over them.
Stephen Fry: Do you know why that is?
Sean Lock: Because they're shit.

[answering the question, "What does fear smell like?"]
Rich Hall: I think fear smells of crab salad. I went to this deli the other day and said "Can I have a crab salad sandwich?", and the woman behind the counter said "We're out of crab salad, I'm afraid".

Alan Davies: Why are there no aspirins in the jungle?
[pause]
Alan Davies: The parrots-eat-em-all!

Stephen Fry: What do we know about the Magi?
Phill Jupitus: They taught Luke Skywalker everything he knows.

Alan Davies: [about tortoises] My nephew's got one, and it attacks you. It actually runs and throws itself at your feet.
Sean Lock: You sure that's not a rabbit in a helmet?

Bill Bailey: [who collected butterflies as a kid] The irony was that moths got into the collection and ate them all!

Phill Jupitus: [during a round about the sinking of the Titanic] Is it true that someone dressed as a lady to escape detection?
Stephen Fry: Yes, apparently it is true because it was women and children first.
Bill Bailey: [laughs] I thought you said "someone dressed as a *baby*"
Phill Jupitus: [putting on posh accent] "Yes, goo-goo indeed. I have a lollipop and I have no control over my urinary functions. I am, in fact, an infant. And I know you think I'm Lord Albermal, but I am in fact a little baby. With a beard. Yes, goo-goo, gaa-gaa. And Madam, may I tell you I've been a very naughty baby."!

Stephen Fry: A question for Rich. How would you French-kiss a woodpecker?
Rich Hall: You would have to seduce it. You would have to get it interested in you. Put a toothpick in your mouth. Say nice things to it. "That's nice plumage." Then give it a date rape drug.
Alan Davies: Should all else fail.

Stephen Fry: Can anyone tell me what the national bird of England is?
Jo Brand: I can tell you what it is for women: Thrush.
Alan Davies: I can tell you what it is for men: Cock.

Stephen Fry: [signing off] And as they say in Ireland, may you get to Heaven a half-hour before the Devil knows you're dead.

Inside Dracula's kitchen

2006-11-14T19:21:00.001Z

How far would you go with an implant?

2006-11-14T19:20:00.001Z

Apple Mac rediscover snail mail

2006-11-14T19:19:00.000Z

2006-11-05T11:01:00.000Z

Lip reading for beginners

"Please be quiet"

Joke of the day

Honey, I want a divorce

A married couple is driving along the highway doing a steady fourty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband abruptly looks across at her, speaking in a clear voice, and says “Darling, I know we’ve been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce.”

The wife says nothing, keeping her eyes on the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.

The husband speaks again, saying this time: “I don’t want you to try and talk me out of it, because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and she’s a far better lover than you.”

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.

He pushes his luck. “I want the house,” he demands. Up to 60 mph. “I want the car, too,” he continues. 65 mph! “And,” he says, “I’ll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards, the boat, and our dog!”

The car slowly begins veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: “Isn’t there anything you want?”

At last the wife replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. “No, I’ve got everything I need.” she says.

“Oh, really?” he inquires, “So what exactly have you got?

Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turns to him and says…………… “The airbag.”

Proverb of the Day

In 2200 BC, in ancient Egypt, an inscription was written:
“The mouth of a perfectly contented man is filled with beer.”
Nice to see some things don't change with time.

Hope it doesn't get this cold

McDonalds - Korean Style

Cards for all occasions

Not in this club yet - thank God

2006-11-05T10:59:00.000Z

Why webpages need proof readers!

2006-10-30T21:10:00.000Z

Used car ad

2006-10-30T21:09:00.001Z

Like my pumpkin?

2006-10-30T21:09:00.000Z

Hard to swallow

2006-10-30T21:08:00.000Z

Need one of these Halloween

2006-10-30T21:07:00.000Z

Joke of the day

2006-10-30T21:05:00.000Z

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"

One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."

The three friends said: "What a shame... what a disappointment."

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."

Whiff of Success

2006-10-10T19:23:00.000+01:00

It's a dog's life

2006-10-10T19:22:00.001+01:00

A butcher watching over his shop is really surprised when he sees a dog coming inside the shop. He shoos him away. But later, the dog is back again. So, he goes over to the dog and notices it has a note in its mouth. He takes the note and it reads “Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please”. The dog has money in its mouth, as well. The butcher looks inside and, lo and behold, there is a ten dollar note there. So he takes the money and puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, placing it in the dog’s mouth.

The butcher is so impressed, and since it’s about closing time, he decides to shut the shop and follow the dog. So off he goes. The dog is walking down the street, when it comes to a level crossing; the dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the button. Then it waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn.They do, and it walks across the road, with he butcher following him all the way. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe as the dog stops a bus by pulling its left leg up and gets in it.

Then, without waiting for the bus to stop completely, it jumps out of the bus and runs to a house very close to the stop. It opens the big Iron Gate and rushes inside towards the door.

As it approaches the wooden door, the dog suddenly changes its mind and heads towards the garden. It goes to the window, and beats its head against it several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts shouting and swearing at the dog.

The butcher surprised with this, runs up, and stops the guy. “What in heaven’s name are you doing? The dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for the life of me!”, to which the guy responds: “You call this clever? This is the second time this week that this stupid dog’s forgotten his key.”

Joke of the day

2006-10-10T19:22:00.000+01:00

Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses him, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you into the Kingdom of Heaven?”
The guy replies, “I’m Joe Cohen, taxi driver, from New York.”
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”
Now it’s the priest’s turn. He stands erect and booms out, “I am the Right Reverend Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last forty-three years.”
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”
“Just a minute,” says the priest. “That man was a taxi driver. Why does he get a silken robe and golden staff?”
“Results,” shrugged Saint Peter. “While you preached, people slept. When he drove, people prayed.”

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.

Moral of the story:
It’s Performance, Not Position that Counts

Hangover Ratings

2006-10-10T19:21:00.001+01:00

1 star hangover
No pain. no real feeling of illness. You slept in your own bed and when you woke up there were no traffic cones in there with you. You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those vodka and Red Bulls. However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a bag of fries.

2 star hangover
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you hug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Although you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.

3 star hangover
Slight headache. Stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space cadet and not so productive. Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag because the perfume/aftershave reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 am. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a kebab and a litre of coke watching daytime TV. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 6 chicken nuggets and a litre of diet coke yet you haven't peed once.

4 star hangover
You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might spew. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can't hide the fact that you (depending on your gender) either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, or, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the dodgems. Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from a second-grade class circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for one of the following - home time, a cheeseburger and somewhere to be alone, or a Time Machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before. You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.

5 star hangover
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits next to you. Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last drop of moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe ..... very gently.

6 star hangover
You arrive home and climb into bed. Sleep comes instantly, as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi. You get about 2 hours sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up. You notice that your bed has been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the room. No matter what you do you now, you're going to chuck. You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under full sail. After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking off all the pictures, you find the toilet. If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls. You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting, and farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short lived. Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts. Help now turns into abuse and he/she usually goes back to bed leaving you there in the dark. With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died back to 15-minute intervals, but your body won't relent. You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you saw your tonsils shoot out of your mouth on the last occasion. It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the day as you try to climb into bed. She/he abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair. You reluctantly accept their advice and have a shower in exchange for them driving you to the hospital. Work is simply not an option. The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make you sick again, like moving. You vow never to touch a drop again and who knows for the next two or three hours at least you might even succeed. OK, now hands up all those who have never had a six star hangover!! Thought so!!

How I got curly hair

2006-10-10T19:21:00.000+01:00

Says all it needs to say on the packet

2006-10-10T19:20:00.001+01:00

What do you mean, you only eat the legs?

2006-10-10T19:20:00.000+01:00

Every parent needs a helping hand

2006-09-30T13:49:00.000+01:00

There may be trouble ahead

2006-09-30T13:45:00.000+01:00

Family Planning

2006-09-30T13:44:00.001+01:00

At last a good use for a Mac

2006-09-30T13:44:00.000+01:00

Mc Donalds new low fat meal option

2006-09-30T13:43:00.000+01:00

Does this make her 'Open Source'?

2006-09-30T13:42:00.000+01:00

The Tory secret weapon in case they don't win the next General Election

2006-09-30T13:41:00.000+01:00

Shine on, shine on Endor Moon

2006-09-12T20:12:00.001+01:00

Schhhhh

2006-09-12T20:12:00.000+01:00

The Dark Side's Disco Years

2006-09-12T20:11:00.001+01:00

Wheel of Life

2006-09-12T20:11:00.000+01:00

mmmmm Cherry Pi

2006-09-12T20:10:00.000+01:00

ROFLMAO

2006-09-12T20:07:00.000+01:00

This made me laugh lots.......
Sent to me by a friend

I have 2 Labrador Retrievers & I was buying a large bag of Winalot at Sainsbury's and was in line to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Sex and Slippers

2006-09-07T10:56:00.000+01:00

Kids toys are more realistic these days

2006-09-07T10:55:00.001+01:00