How my mind works

If at first you don't succeed ... don't try skydiving.

You know it's a bad day when you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.

Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell.

Winning isn't everything, eating is.

I'm objective; I object to everything.

Everything I need to know I got from watching Eastenders.

It's bad luck to be superstitious.

Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.

I'm not losing hair, it's just my head is getting bigger.

Cynics are people who know the price of everything and the value of nothing.

Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.

I love my country - I fear my government.

Schizophrenia beats being alone.

The whole purpose of my life is to serve as a warning to others.

Save the whales, collect the whole set.

It's only a game until you lose.

When all else fails, lower your standards.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar!

Lead me not into temptation; I can find it myself.

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

My lucky number has been disconnected.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!

The shortest distance between two points is still under construction.

But what is the speed of dark?

I don't need to be stupid. We have politicians for that.

People who think they know what they're doing are especially annoying to those of us who do.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at maths.

Don't worry about life; you're not going to survive it, anyway.

Life is a sexually transmitted disease.

Everytime I find the meaning of life, they change it.

You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Computers help us to do stupid things faster.

Nice guys finish last and bring you breakfast in bed.

I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?

You'll need to know my name. You'll be screaming it later.

Plagiarism is copying from one source; research is copying from two or more.

Just when you think you've won the rat race along come faster rats.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

If you understand something today, it must be obsolete.

i souport komprehnsith edekasion.

I'm safe but I wouldn't want to see me working with subatomic particles.