Saturday, May 27, 2006

Got to give it to him for trying

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Rules for Better Writing

  1. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
  2. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
  3. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
  4. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat)
  5. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
  6. Be more or less specific.
  7. Remarks in brackets (however relevant) are (usually) (but not always) unnecessary.
  8. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
  9. No sentence fragments.
  10. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
  11. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
  12. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
  13. One should NEVER generalize.
  14. Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
  15. Don't use no double negatives.
    Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
  16. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
  17. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
  18. The passive voice is to be ignored.
  19. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
  20. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
  21. Kill all exclamation points!!!
  22. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
  23. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas.
  24. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
  25. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
  26. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
  27. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
  28. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
  29. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
  30. Who needs rhetorical questions?
  31. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

Proof God exists

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The all seeing eye

Friday, May 26, 2006

David Blunket takes up sky diving

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"Remember David when the lead goes limp you are near the ground"

Movies in production

Because of the success of Brokeback Mountain Hollywood is making more gay cowboy movies, here are a few in pre-production:
  1. Dude, Where's My Saddle Horn?
  2. The Good the Bad and the Downright Diiirty
  3. The Magnificent Sven
  4. Blazing Hemorrhoids
  5. Dances With Bears
  6. Home Home on the Ranchero
  7. Little/Big Horn, You decide

Thursday, May 25, 2006

10 Signs that your work mates don't like you

  1. You find they have installed razor wire and broken glass atop your ajoining cubicle wall
  2. A member of Rentakill turns up at your office door with orders to kill a little rat
  3. Dr. Kivorkian's phone number has been added to your speed dialing.
  4. Your morning routine involves removing darts from pictures of your family.
  5. Your secret Santa is always the smelly guy who cleans the toilets
  6. The water cooler near your office is only used by you and tastes funny
  7. There is always odd yellow froth on your capuccinos.
  8. You constantly have to move power and network cables that lay across the door of your office.
  9. Some one has put a funny sign over your desk "You don't have to be mad to work here, but we wish you didn't"
  10. When you go on holiday the rest of the office throws a party

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Home truths

Truths we learned as children

# No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

# When your mum is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.

# You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

# Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

# The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap.

Truths we learned as adults

# Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.

# There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

# One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

# Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.

# Families are like a Snickers bar .. mostly sweet with a few nuts.

# Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

# Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.

# Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the roughage, not the toy.

# My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

# If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

# You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

Friday, May 19, 2006

Thursday, May 18, 2006

UK Big Brother 7

"Big Brother House, this is Davina, you are live on TV do not swear"!
What with a guy with Tourette's Syndrome?

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Is this for real?

Patience is a virtue

My famous last words

Your Famous Last Words Will Be:

"I dunno, press the button and find out."

Paul & Heather

Paul McCartney and Heather Mills are to split and the Jokes are coming thick and fast.

"What has 3 legs and lives on a farm"?

Paul says " If she thinks she is taking me to the cleaners, she hasn't a leg to stand on"!

Heather says "I blame the split up over the fact I haven't got my leg over for ages".

Paul's Poem

We lay upon a grassy bank
My hands were all a quiver
I slowly undid her suspender belt
And her leg fell in the river.

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Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Da Vinci Code world premiere at the Cannes Film Festival tomorrow

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Name and Shame

Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma.

After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant; frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins!..... A boy and a girl.
The babies are fine now however they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately - your brother came in and named them.

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not me brother...he's a clueless fool!"

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's my daughter's name?"

Denise," says the doctor.

The new mother is somewhat relieved "Wow, that's a beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about my brother....I like Denise."

Then she asks, "What's the boy's name?"


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Letter to an agony aunt

Dear Deirdre

"I am a sailor in the merchant navy. My parents live in South London and one of my sisters, who lives in Brixton, is married to a guy from Wales. My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes. I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Wormwood Scrubs for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in Wandsworth on remand centre on charges of incest. I have recently become engaged to a former Thai prostitute who indeed is still a part-time "working girl" in a brothel.

However, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancee utilising her knowledge of the industry working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would at least get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin.

My problem is this: I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being Welsh?

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Sunday, May 14, 2006

Chicken-egg part 2

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Loved to have seen this joke

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Can't please every one

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Ahrrrr Jim Lad

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Cats dream too

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Quote of the day

"If guns kill people, can I blame mispelled words on my pencil"?

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With 11 year old mothers I say start them early

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How do they make igloos?

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New Orleans - redevelopment

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On sunny days think about the pigs....

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Book at bedtime

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