Saturday, December 31, 2005

Vegas or bust

A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in
Las Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated,
she exclaims, "can my luck be any worse?!?
What in the world should I do now?"

A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down,
suggests, "I don't know...why don't you play your age?"

He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed
by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won!
He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the
crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table
operator kneeling over her.

The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she
all right?"

The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money
on 29, and 36 came up.
Then she just fainted!"

DAHN THE PLUG'OLE

This is an old music-hall song (sung in Cockney) a poetic friend http://www.blog.co.uk/index.php/poemsandprose posted it on his blog but I found it funny enough to repeat.


DAHN THE PLUG'OLE

A muvver was barfin 'er biby one night,
The youngest of ten and a tiny young mite,
The muvver was pore and the biby was thin,
Only a skelington covered in skin;
The muvver turned rahnd for the soap off the rack,
She was but a moment, but when she turned back,
The biby was gorn; and in anguish she cried,
'Oh, where is my biby?' - the Angels replied:
'Your biby 'as fell dahn the plug-'ole,
Your biby 'as gorn dahn the plug;
The poor little thing was so skinny and thin
'E oughter been barfed in a jug;
Your biby is perfeckly 'appy,
'E won't need a barf any more,
Your biby 'as fell dahn the plug 'ole
Not lorst, but gorn before!'

Anon

Friday, December 30, 2005

All ears!

Evolution

Useless facts you couldn't live without - not!

by prydwen
  • Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
  • Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
  • The national anthem of Greece has 158 verses. No one in Greece has memorized all 158 verses.
  • The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
  • There are more chickens than people in the world.
  • Two-thirds of the world's aubergine is grown in New Jersey.
  • The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
  • "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt."
  • Almonds are a member of the peach family.
  • Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
  • There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
  • A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
  • An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
  • Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
  • The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life."
  • A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
  • The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z; hence the name "OZ".
  • John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.
  • "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

For all of you thinking about dieting

by prydwen

If you get melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

Problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the shops in hot car. Solution: Eat it in the car park.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.

A nice box of chocolates provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

Equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate is a balanced diet.

The preservatives in chocolate make you look younger.

Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
A. Because no one wants to quit.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done

Thursday, December 29, 2005

If you could change your name what would you opt for?

by prydwen

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Hugh Jazz, Dick Hertz, Hugh G. Rection, Connie Lingus, Dewanna Dewitt, Jack Mehoff, Ima Cumming, Buster Cherry, Neil Downaneater

A guy changing his name to "Midlands Bank PLC Are Fascist Bastards" so they'd have to put it on his chequebook and statements etc, because they wouldn't grant him an overdraft.

A man in central China has been refused permission to name his son "@" because it cannot be translated into Mandarin - as the law demands.

And to round this off I list below actual names of individuals that have passed through the Judicial system of Chicago....These are real names...

Aheavy Hampton , Al Pacino Smith , Alan Fierce (Attorney), April Showers, April Furst, Aquarius Waters, Armin Hand , Barefoot Sanders ( U.S. Judge in Texas), Battleship Gray, Bobcat Rucker, Brain Cancer, His mother wanted to name him Brian, but spelled it wrong, Bunker Hill, Buster Hyman, Candy Barr , Candy Kane , Carmel Crisp, Cherry Veronica Coke , Chester Fields, Dick Daley (Actually Mayor Daley uses the name Richie or Rich) Condor Soaring, Crystal Clear, Daisy Field , Dill Pickle, Doomsday Jones ,Dr. Kneebone, Chiropractor,
Dr. Waters, Urologist , Dr. Mangle, Chiropractor, Dr Hyman, Gynaecologist,
Dr. Carver, Forensic Pathologist, Dr Bonebreaker , Dr. Winke, Optometrist ,
Dr. Roger Slaughter, Trauma ward physician at Cook County Hospital, Dr. M. Cholera ,
Dr. Noble Emdee , Dr. Goldfinger, Gynecologist , Earl E. Bird, Head of an animal rights group, Enola Gay Bender , Flavius Freeman , Forest Ranger , Gary Cowman, spokesperson, National Cattleman’s Association, Gene Poole, Genghis Kahn Harris, Gonorrhea Jones, Halitosis Harris, Hugh Munn (He is the South Carolina Law Enforcement spokesman}, Iona Ford, Iwona Kus, Jesse James, (Treasurer of the State of Texas ) Kitty Chow, Kris Kringle , Lance Boyle ,
Legover Moses, Lolly Popp & Sody Popp (Sisters) , Mary Christmas, Mercedes Bens,
Narcissus Love, One Nite O. Love Washington, Pearly White (Afro-American school principal) Pink Oliphant , Precious Valentine, Princess Pimpinella Hohenholoe , Randy Radish,
Rip Van Johnson,
Rosie Cheeks, (While she was locked up in Cook County Jail she still managed to get pregnant) Rufus T. Firefly, This was a character name used by Groucho Marks but some poor person has this for their real name, Rupert Roach, (Arrested with a small amount of cannabis),
Stillborn McGhee, Swing Dickey , Toyota Crudup, Varmit Nelson,
Vicki Fucks (Manager at Midwest Magazine Services for WorkBench Magazine),
Virgin Fullalove , Whatcha McCallum, Willie B Long , Willie Bandit, Willie Oneway, Willie Die, Zhiavago Rambo, Zippidy Doda Day Jr. Zippidy Doda Day Sr.

Black Box

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!" Only the state of Alabama was different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this!"

I fought the lawn and the lawn won

by prydwen

Found this wonderful tee shirt design whilst browsing

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and then found a parady to the Clash song....

The grass kept growing in the hot sun
I fought the lawn and the lawn won
I fought the lawn and the lawn won

I spread fertilizer about six times
I fought the lawn and the lawn won
I fought the lawn and the lawn won

The weeds started sprouting in a marathon
I pulled them one by one
I sprayed 50 gallons of Weed-B-Gone
I fought the lawn and the lawn won
I fought the lawn and the lawn won

I killed the whole yard in a defeat
I fought the lawn and the lawn won
I fought the lawn and the lawn won

I paved it over with concrete
I fought the lawn and the lawn won
I fought the lawn and the lawn won

A green, thick lawn like my neighbor has
I always wanted one
But all I got was a pain in the grass
I fought the lawn and the lawn won
I fought the lawn and the lawn won

Didn't think it was that funny!

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When life seems to be getting on top of you!

by prydwen

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Remember some poor bugger is getting it worse!

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

How Jedi are you?


how jedi are you?
:: by lawrie malen

Let me explain

Going Dutch

Best divorce letter ever!

Dear Connie,

I know the counsellor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact.

In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.

Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says: "There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you in the eyes of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close.

Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch with this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before.

I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, I found myself thinking,

"Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean?

Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagne. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is. So we're doing tequila shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.

But do you see how even then, when I'm banging your baby sister', all I can do is think of you? It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can.

If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.

Otherwise, can you let me know where the fucking remote is.

Love,

Dan

Don't ask!

by prydwen

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Do you think I can get it on the National Health?

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

My motto for 2006

by prydwen

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The wonderful thing about Tiggers

by prydwen

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Easy as Pie

by prydwen

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Whats Jaws?

by prydwen

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One track mind

by prydwen

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Urban Myth True or False

by prydwen

Moon Walk

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark, "Good luck Mr. Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. On July 5, 1995 in Tampa, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
Armstrong explained, "When I was a kid, I was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. My friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. My neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As I leaned down to pick up the ball, I heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, 'Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!'"

Urban myth true or false? FALSE
Neal Armstrong denies ever saying any of this.
But it's funny all the same....

No comment

by prydwen

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Monday, December 26, 2005

Someones been reading PT Barnums's theory of Evolution

by prydwen

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Not saying my boss was tight....

by prydwen

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Who died the worst death?

by prydwen

Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit 33% of applicants today.

The admissions standard: Who died the worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how they died.

First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act.

When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been there.

The last place I looked was out on the balcony. I found the jerk hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn't fall.

So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the idiot.

He landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him.

Then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the bedroom and shot myself."

St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.

Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge.

Luckily, I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands.

I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my fingers to a pulp!

I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me."

St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.

Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a refrigerator..."

Silver Surfers

by prydwen

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The average age of Internet Users has risen from 32 to 35 this year, is 2006 going to be the year of the 'Silver Surfer'?

Doctor, Doctor

by prydwen

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A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left."Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!"
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see...Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered...
"Why, not for about twenty years-when my husband was alive."
Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied.I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled
"KY Jelly."
Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

A Nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed
that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

Never miss an opportunity

by prydwen

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Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
MURPHY'S 5th Law

Elmo in the Pen

The Pope celebrates mass at the Munich beer fest

But are you happy?

by prydwen

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The Afterlife

A couple made a deal that whoever died first, they would come back and inform the other of the after life. The woman's biggest fear was there was no heaven.

After a long life the husband was the first to go and true to his word he made contact.

Mary... Mary....

Is that you Fred?

Yes, I have come back like we agreed.

What is it like?

Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, then I have sex-twice, I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon-supper-then sex till late at night, sleep then start all over again.

Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven.

Hell no, I'm a rabbit in Kansas.

When in Rome




CV of the month



For some reason the Mother-in-law didn't like her present from me!

by prydwen

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Tips on a safe New Year

by prydwen

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Avoid drinking games.

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Don't drink too much

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and if you are driving don't drink at all if you can.

Sunday, December 25, 2005

Smart Teacher

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever."

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Adultery

An old man went into confession and told the priest: "Father, I'm 81, married with six children and 13 grandchildren. Last night I had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Twice."

"I see," said the priest. "When was the last time you were in confession?"

"Never, Father", replied the old man. "I'm Jewish"

"So why are you telling me?"

"I'm telling everybody!"

Murphy's Laws, and Other Observations

Murphy's Laws
  1. If anything can go wrong, it will.
  2. If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the first one to go wrong.
  3. If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway.
  4. If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which something can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.
  5. Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
  6. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
  7. Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
  8. Mother nature is a bitch.

O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Laws

Murphy was an optimist.

Ginsberg's Theorems

  1. You can't win.
  2. You can't break even.
  3. You can't even quit the game.

Forsyth's Second Corollary to Murphy's Laws

Just when you see the light at the end of the tunnel, the roof caves in.

Weiler's Law

Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

The Laws of Computer Programming

  1. Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
  2. Any given program costs more and takes longer each time it is run.
  3. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
  4. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
  5. Any given program will expand to fill all the available memory.
  6. The value of a program is inversely proportional to the weight of its output.
  7. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it.

Pierce's Law

In any computer system, the machine will always misinterpret, misconstrue, misprint, or not evaluate any math or subroutines or fail to print any output on at least the first run through.

Corollary to Pierce's Law

When a compiler accepts a program without error on the first run, the program will not yield the desired output.

Addition to Murphy's Laws

In nature, nothing is ever right. Therefore, if everything is going right ... something is wrong.

Brook's Law

If at first you don't succeed, transform your data set!

Grosch's Law

Computing power increases as the square of the cost.

Golub's Laws of Computerdom

  1. Fuzzy project objectives are used to avoid embarrassment of estimating the corresponding costs.
  2. A carelessly planned project takes three times longer to complete than expected; a carefully planned project takes only twice as long.
  3. The effort required to correct course increases geometrically with time.
  4. Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so vividly manifests their lack of progress.

Osborn's Law

Variables won't; constants aren't.

Gilb's Laws of Unreliability

  1. Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
  2. Any system that depends upon human reliability is unreliable.
  3. Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited.
  4. Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some useful work done.

Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology

There's always one more bug.

Troutman's Postulate

  1. Profanity is the one language understood by all programmers.
  2. Not until a program has been in production for six months will the most harmful error be discovered.
  3. Job control cards that positively cannot be arranged in improper order will be.
  4. Interchangeable tapes won't.
  5. If the input editor has been designed to reject all bad input, an ingenious idiot will discover a method to get bad data past it.
  6. If a test installation functions perfectly, all subsequent systems will malfunction.

Weinberg's Second Law

If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

Gumperson's Law

The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its

desirability.

Gummidge's Law

The amount of expertise varies in inverse ratio to the number of statements understood by the general public.

Zymurgy's First Law of Evolving System Dynamics

Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan them is to use a larger can (old worms never die, they just worm their way into larger cans).

Harvard's Law, as Applied to Computers

Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity and other variables, the computer will do as it damn well pleases.

Sattinger's Law

It works better if you plug it in.

Jenkinson's Law

It won't work.

Horner's Five Thumb Postulate

Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.

Cheop's Law

Nothing ever gets build on schedule or within budget.

Rule of Accuracy

When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer.

Zymurg's Seventh Exception to Murphy's Law

When it rains, it pours.

Pudder's Laws

  1. Anything that begins well ends badly.
  2. Anything that begins badly ends worse.

Westheimer's Rule

To estimate the time it takes to do a task: estimate the time you think it should take, multiply by two and change the unit of measure to the next highest unit. Thus, we allocate two days for a one hour task.

Stockmayer's Theorem

If it looks easy, it's tough. If it looks tough, it's damn near impossible.

Atwoods Corollary

No books are lost by lending except those you particularly wanted to keep.

Johnson's Third Law

If you miss one issue of any magazine, it will be the issue that contains the article, story or installment you were most anxious to read.

Corollary to Johnson's Third Law

All of your friends either missed it, lost it or threw it out.

Harper's Magazine Law

You never find the article until you replace it.

Brooke's Law

Adding manpower to a late software makes it later.

Finagle's Fourth Law

Once a job is fooled up, anything done to improve it will only make it

worse.

Featherkile's Rule

Whatever you did, that's what you planned.

Flap's Law

Any inanimate object, regardless of its position, configuration or purpose, may be expected to perform at any time in a totally unexpected manner for reasons that are either entirely obscure or else completely mysterious.

Saturday, December 24, 2005

Perspectives

by prydwen

At this time of Joy it is only right that we use our perspective to realise that not everyone will sit down to a Christmas Dinner. Not everyone will sleep soundly in their beds waiting for Santa. In fact not everyone will be able to show reverence to their belief in public without fear of being arrested.
We are but fleas on the back of the world, and the world is but a flea to the universe. We need to remember just where we all fit in.

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For everything there is a season,
And a time for every matter under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to seek, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
A time to tear, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate,
A time for war, and a time for peace.


Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

What I need for the New Year

by prydwen

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Urban Legend - True or False?



The nursery rhyme 'Sing a Song of Sixpence' originated as a coded message used to recruit crew members for pirate ships.

For those unfamiliar with this ditty, let's start by offering its lyrics:

Sing a song of sixpence
A pocket full of rye
Four and twenty blackbirds
Baked in a pie

When the pie was opened
The birds began to sing
Was that not a tasty dish
To set before a king?

The King was in his counting house
Counting out his money
The Queen was in the parlor
Eating bread and honey

The Maid was in the garden
Hanging out the clothes

When down came a blackbird

And snapped off her nose!



The surprising truth is that this innocent little rhyme, which dates from the early 1700s, actually represents a coded message used to recruit crew members for pirate vessels!

Pirates (or corsairs, privateers whose activities were sanctioned by letters of marque from a sovereign) did not spend all their time at sea: they cruised the waters in areas such as the Mediterranean, the Spanish Main, or the Atlantic coast of North America, looking for prizes, and they returned to port when the need for supplies or repairs demanded it. Upon reaching port, the ship's captain paid off the crew (primarily by dividing the spoils of whatever they had captured), and the crew members then dispersed ashore (usually to spend all their pay on alcohol and prostitutes as quickly as possible). Some crewmen tended to stay in the vicinity, but others left for other regions, caught on with other ships, died, were killed, or simply disappeared. Thus, much like the captains of naval vessels and merchant traders, the captains of pirate ships needed to recruit new crew members whenever they embarked on yet another venture. Since piracy (as opposed to privateering) was against the law, pirates devised codes that could be used to advertise for crew members without openly revealing their illegal affiliations.

The nursery rhyme "Sing a Song of Sixpence" was a coded message that evolved over several years' times and was used by confederates of the notorious pirate Blackbeard to recruit crew members for his prize-hunting expeditions. Like many other messages passed down to us over hundreds of years by oral tradition, there is no one "official" version, nor is there a "correct" interpretation for any particular variant. In general, however, the most common form of this rhyme bore these veiled meanings:

Sing a song of sixpence / A pocket full of rye

Blackbeard's standard payment of sixpence a day was considered good money in the 1700s, especially since most pirate vessels did not pay a salary: the crew only received a share of the spoils if they were successful in capturing prizes (and many a pirate ship had to return to port empty-handed after spending several fruitless months at sea). As well, his crew was promised a pocket (a leather bag somewhat like an early canteen which held about a liter) full of rye (whiskey) per day. Not bad, considering that alcohol was the average sailor's raison d'etre.

Four and twenty blackbirds / Baked in a pie

As Henry Betts points out in his book on the origins and history of nursery rhymes, "It was a favourite trick in the sixteenth century to conceal all sorts of surprises in a pie." Buccaneers, too, were fond of surprises, and one of Blackbeard's favorite ruses to lure a ship within boarding range was to make his own vessel (or crew) appear to be in distress, typically by pretending to have been dismasted in a storm or to have sprung a leak below the waterline. Passing ships — both honest sailors wanting to help and other pirates looking for an easy catch — would sail in close to offer assistance, whereupon a crew of two dozen heavily-armed seamen dressed in black would board the other vessel (via a boat in darkness or fog, or by simply jumping into the other ship when it came alongside if no other means of surprise attack was possible) to quickly kill or disable as many crew members as possible. Thus the four and twenty "blackbirds" (i.e., Blackbeard's crewmen) "baked in a pie" (i.e., concealed in anticipation of springing a trap).

When the pie was opened / The birds began to sing

This follows from the previous line. Once the victim's ship was lured in for the kill, the "blackbirds" came out of hiding and attacked with a fearsome din.

Was that not a tasty dish / To set before a king?

This line is commonly misinterpreted. The King is not a reference to any real king, but rather to Blackbeard himself, the king of pirates. And the tasty dish is the plundered ship that was so easily captured.

The King was in his counting house / Counting out his money

Again, the King is Blackbeard (no real king would take on such a mean task as counting money). This line of the message signals that Blackbeard had the cash on hand to pay a crew on salary rather than strictly on divided spoils.

The Queen was in the parlor / Eating bread and honey

Blackbeard's main vessel was a French merchant ship named "Le Concorde de Nantes" that was jointly captured by Blackbeard and Captain Hornigold in the Grenadines in November of 1717. Upon his retirement from pirating, Hornigold presented the ship to Blackbeard, who renamed it "The Queen Anne's Revenge". Thus the "Queen" referred to here is Blackbeard's ship, and "eating bread and honey" meant that it was in port taking on supplies in preparation for a cruise.

The Maid was in the garden / Hanging out the clothes

The use of the word "maid" indicated that the location/route of one or more prize ships was known, and they were going to be specific targets of the upcoming cruise (this greatly enhancing the probability of the crew's collecting prize money). The waters around the Carolinas down to the Caribbean were referred to as the garden, as this was an area where pirates would often cruise for easy pickings. "Hanging out the clothes" meant the targeted ship was already at sea or just about to leave port (thus its sails — or "clothes" — have been hung).

When down came a blackbird / And snapped off her nose!

There is some scholarly debate in literary and maritime circles as to whether the last part was originally "and snapped off her nose" or "and snapped off a rose." Either way, the passage is taken to be a Blackbeard's bragging about his plans to swoop in and have his way with the targeted ship.

So, next time you hear this innocent children's song, remember that it was originally recited in taverns by drunken, bloodthirsty buccaneers as a code to recruit other pirates for their next murderous voyage!


Thanks to http://www.snopes.com/

Was it true or false - Actually this urban legend is TRUE

What eye are you!


What Eye are you

Hidden lyrics in Jingle Bells

http://media.spikedhumor.com/8944/Jingle_Bells_Reversed.swf

If you Listen carefully you will hear hidden lyrics when Jingle Bells are played backwards.
Spooky......

Friday, December 23, 2005


Some new Crayola colours


A brief History of Britain

122 Hadrian builds a wall, afterwards he builds a patio and a nice outhouse.

208 Severus goes to defend Britain and repairs Hadrian's Wall by re-pointing it

383 Magnus Maximus proclaimed Emperor in Britain famous for his quote "I’ve started, so I'll finish".

432 St. Patrick's mission to Ireland where he invents Guinness.

550 St. David takes Christianity to Wales and all they gave him was a daffodil

757 Offa, King of Mercia builds a Dyke to keep daffodils and leeks out of England

849 Alfred burns the cakes at the bakery and gets sacked so takes up a Great new job as King

1016 - Edmund Ironside, becomes King of England and spends the next 20 years in a wheel chair solving crimes.

1066 The year of the Mormon Conquest of Britain, The Osmonds release their first album.

1170 Richard de Clare, Earl of Pembroke known as ‘Strongbow’, lands in Ireland and invents cider.

1215 King John opens a new restaurant in Runnemede with a Magna Carte menu.

1348 The Black Death arrives turning all the men into Minstrels.

1455 ‘War of the Roses’, breaks out between the York’s and Lancaster’s both wanting the soft centres.

1555 Queen Mary 1st invents Vodka, mixes it with tomato juice and we get the Bloody Mary

1570 Pope Pius V excommunicates Elizabeth I so she forms British Telecom.

1641 The English Civil War starts, fighting starts later when they get fed up of saying "After you"!, "No After You"! All very civil.....

1666 the Great Fry-up of London. Charles the Second and Samuel Pepys after a bender go out for sausage egg and bacon and end up burning down half of London.

1702 Queen Anne becomes the last English monarch from the Stuart dynasty and is famous for her wooden legs.

1772 Legislation was passed allowing Irish Catholics to lease bog-land before that they had to shit in the woods.

1825 The World's first railway service, the Stockton and Darlington Railway opens and the station announcer apologises for the late running of 18:25 due to leaves on the track

1830 The new Prime Minister, Earl Grey, gives Wellington the boot and then has a nice cup of tea

1853 Gladstone presents his first budget and then goes on to do a few card tricks and pull a rabbit from his bag.

1905 Cardiff elevated to City status but lose 2-1 to Swansea Town in the cup.

1910 The Tonypandy riots start when Andy Pandy’s brother Tony finds outs Andy been having an affair with Loopy Lou

1926 was the year the Scottish inventor, Yogi Bear, invented television later to go on to star in a cartoon on it.

1992 was the year that as a fire destroyed Windsor Castle, the Queen commented on a horrible anus.

Merry Christmas

by prydwen

Wishing you
In your busy life ..

Time for Relaxation

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Good Sleep

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Good Health with Exercise

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Someone to Dance With

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A Bit of Adventure

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Good Looks

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But Most of All ...

I Wish You Lots of Bear Hugs

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And The Comforts of Real Love

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Many Blessings...

May you always have love to share, health to spare
and friends that care.

But watch out for those bastard penguins!

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Least we forget

At this time of the year when we celebrate in the freedom of the western world, lets hold a thought for those countries that still persecute bloggers for speaking their minds and thinking free thoughts. And to the 100,000 bloggers in Iran that reside in the state of 'Weblogistan' I salute you.


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