QI - Quotes

Stephen Fry: Welcome to QI, the show that rhymes with Stephen Fry.

Stephen Fry: How do otters kill crocodiles?
Rob Brydon: Softly with their songs.

Stephen Fry: What is attractive about the Costa Rican Army?
Jo Brand: They have a pulse.

[advice on airline food]
Stephen Fry: Anything white is sweet, anything brown is meat, anything grey, don't eat.

Stephen Fry: If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people in the world?

[the contestants are discussing elephants]
Alan Davies: Do they take it down the trunk?
Clive Anderson: After a few drinks, they'll take it anywhere.

Clive Anderson: I'm fascinated that hair grows after death, I'm looking forward to that.

Sean Lock: Banana plants, whatever they're called, walk.
Stephen Fry: [looking off-stage] Nurse, nurse, he's out of bed again.

Stephen Fry: If a Lion mates with a Tiger, you get a...?
Alan Davies: Scandal.

Stephen Fry: Welcome to the show that refreshes the parts other shows doesn't even have names for.

Jeremy Clarkson: [Recounting a trip to Amsterdam] I walked into a brothel on Saturday.
Stephen Fry: You heard it here first, folks.
Jeremy Clarkson: It was like a motorway services station toilet.
Alan Davies: That must have been a Welcome Break.

Stephen Fry: What's the collective noun for a group of baboons?
Rich Hall: The Pentagon.

Stephen Fry: This is turning into the most appaling Primary School nonsense.

Stephen Fry: [holding his clenched left fist out in front of him] If I had a moth ball in this hand and a moth ball in that hand,
[bringing out his right fist]
Stephen Fry: What have I got?
Alan Davies: Two moth balls?
Stephen Fry: No, a very excited moth.

Rich Hall: Doctors use acronyms, such as GOMER - Get Out of My Emergency Room, or SARA - Sexual Activity Related Accident.
Stephen Fry: There is one that doctors use in my part of the world which is NFN - Normal for Norfolk.

Stephen Fry: Why is a Marathon 26 miles, 385 yards long?
Alan Davies: I feel a trap coming on.

Stephen Fry: What is the commonest material in the world?
Clive Anderson: Jim Davidson.

Alan Davies: I am *not* as stupid as you think!
Stephen Fry: No, you're not, you couldn't be.

Stephen Fry: What's long and pink and hard in the morning?
[pause]
Stephen Fry: "The Financial Times'" crossword.

Stephen Fry: [during an odd one out question] None of them is the odd one out is the answer. Do you know why?
Phill Jupitus: What kind of a hellish quiz is this?
Stephen Fry: Fair point.
Phill Jupitus: "What one's the odd one out? None of them. Baah, bah, bah, bah."
Stephen Fry: Hey. Is that me?
Phill Jupitus: That's you.
Stephen Fry: Oh bugger you. I don't sound like that. Baah, bah, bah.

Stephen Fry: [after stating the Thomas Eddison invented the word Hello] The word that existed before as "hullo" h-u-l-l-o, which never meant a greeting, it just meant an expression of surprise - "Hullo, what have we got here?" "Hullo, what's this?" We still use it in that sense.
Bill Bailey: Do we?
Stephen Fry: "Hullo, what's that?" ... Don't we, Bill?
Bill Bailey: Yes. Yes, when we live our life like 1950s detective films. I often go to my fridge, "Hullo, we're out of milk. I say mother, where's the milk?"
Stephen Fry: You beast, you beast, you utter, utter beast.

Stephen Fry: [regarding a village in the mountains of Nuremberg, Germany] Now what did this village provide the whole world with for more than a hundred consecutive Christmases?
Sean Lock: War criminals.

Sean Lock: The American cat's eyes break every time you go over them.
Stephen Fry: Do you know why that is?
Sean Lock: Because they're shit.

[answering the question, "What does fear smell like?"]
Rich Hall: I think fear smells of crab salad. I went to this deli the other day and said "Can I have a crab salad sandwich?", and the woman behind the counter said "We're out of crab salad, I'm afraid".

Alan Davies: Why are there no aspirins in the jungle?
[pause]
Alan Davies: The parrots-eat-em-all!

Stephen Fry: What do we know about the Magi?
Phill Jupitus: They taught Luke Skywalker everything he knows.

Alan Davies: [about tortoises] My nephew's got one, and it attacks you. It actually runs and throws itself at your feet.
Sean Lock: You sure that's not a rabbit in a helmet?

Bill Bailey: [who collected butterflies as a kid] The irony was that moths got into the collection and ate them all!

Phill Jupitus: [during a round about the sinking of the Titanic] Is it true that someone dressed as a lady to escape detection?
Stephen Fry: Yes, apparently it is true because it was women and children first.
Bill Bailey: [laughs] I thought you said "someone dressed as a *baby*"
Phill Jupitus: [putting on posh accent] "Yes, goo-goo indeed. I have a lollipop and I have no control over my urinary functions. I am, in fact, an infant. And I know you think I'm Lord Albermal, but I am in fact a little baby. With a beard. Yes, goo-goo, gaa-gaa. And Madam, may I tell you I've been a very naughty baby."!

Stephen Fry: A question for Rich. How would you French-kiss a woodpecker?
Rich Hall: You would have to seduce it. You would have to get it interested in you. Put a toothpick in your mouth. Say nice things to it. "That's nice plumage." Then give it a date rape drug.
Alan Davies: Should all else fail.

Stephen Fry: Can anyone tell me what the national bird of England is?
Jo Brand: I can tell you what it is for women: Thrush.
Alan Davies: I can tell you what it is for men: Cock.

Stephen Fry: [signing off] And as they say in Ireland, may you get to Heaven a half-hour before the Devil knows you're dead.