Tags: Funny, Humor, Apple
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Newsnight joke of the day:
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."
Age of Consent
@ 28/02/2006 - 13:49:50
Interested to see that the most sort after item on the net at the moment is a girl Tammy of NYP (only 17) who has done a Paris Hilton by having her sexual exploits posted all over the net. The age of consent varies considerably across America from 16 to 18, and varies more across the world.
Even so in these day of STD's surely 17 is still a bit young to be fully sexually active. I would be interested in others views on the subject.
Tags: Tammy, NYP, Tammy Download
Monday, February 27, 2006
Off his rocks?
@ 27/02/2006 - 22:35:11
Dave Gorman the comic has a brilliant Flickr site where he balances rocks.... Sounds weird but you have to see it to believe it.
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Childhood Meme
@ 26/02/2006 - 11:24:14
What is you first Childhood memory?
I have vague memories but one that sticks is being at school for the first time (aged 4) seeing the box of sand and cups they had in the classroom.
What food did you hate most as a child?
Really hated eggs as they made me heave.
What food did you most like as a child?
Fish fingers
What was you funniest childhood memory?
Living in flats in Chelsea we had different milk men. One day our Express Dairy milk float and the Co-op one crashed into one another and the two drivers started to fight. Whoever had which milkman cheered them on (until the police arrived).
What did you want to be as a child?
Really wanted to be Superman or Batman.
Your most favourite TV program as a child?
Robinson Crusoe
First childhood crush?
Vicky Bugg (aged 12) couldn't eat for a week, all gooey eyed
First childhood kiss?
Some girl on holiday when I was about 8, family thought it was sweet.
First pet as a child?
Rusty my homosexual mongrol (got him from Battersea dogs home)
Favorite comic?
Topper - always had good free gifts
First movie ever seen at the pictures?
Sound of Music with my aunt
First real day out?
Boys and Girls Exhibition at Olympia. Remember they had a tank we could climb on, Daleks roamed around and Georgie Fame and the Blue Flames was singing Yeh Yeh live. (so it must have been about 1965 and me about 9)
Name some games you played as a child.
Knock down Ginger, Kiss Chase, Squeak Piggy Squeak, L-O-N D-O-N Spells London.
Cubs, Scouts, Boys Brigade, Brownies or Girl Guides?
Cubs and Scouts. Remember I was going out with the Cubs to the Royal Tournament the day that the news that Donald Campbell died in Bluebird (4 January, 1967)
Getting paid for it
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He says,"What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to Las Vegas. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free!"
Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies...
"I'm going to Vegas too. I want to see you live on $800 a year!"
Tags: Funny, Humor, Joke
He says,"What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to Las Vegas. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free!"
Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies...
"I'm going to Vegas too. I want to see you live on $800 a year!"
Tags: Funny, Humor, Joke
Saturday, February 25, 2006
Friday, February 24, 2006
Weird Sex Laws
- If a police officer in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, suspects a couple is having sex inside a vehicle they must honk their horn three times, and wait two minutes before being allowed to approach the scene.
- Women must address bachelors as master instead of mister, according to an Illinois state law.
- A law in Oblong, Illinois makes it a crime to make love while fishing or hunting on your wedding day.
- A law in Fairbanks, Alaska, does not allow moose to have sex on city streets.
- In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.
- Clinton, Oklahoma, has a law against masturbating while watching two people having sex in a car.
- In Willowdale, Oregon, no man may curse while having sex with his wife.
- In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania it is illegal to have sex with a truck driver inside a toll booth.
- Hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, are required by law to furnish their rooms with twin beds only. There should be a minimum of two feet between the beds, and it is illegal for a couple to make love on the floor between the beds.
- In Kingsville, Texas, there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property.
- A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. In addition to normal charges, the woman's name will be published in the local newspaper. The man does not receive any punishment.
- No woman may go in public without wearing a corset in Norfolk, Virginia.
- In the state of Washington there is a law against having sex with a virgin under any circumstances. (including the wedding night)
- The only acceptable sexual position in Washington D.C. is the missionary-style position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal.
- In Florida it is illegal for single, divorced, or widowed women to parachute on Sunday afternoons.
- In Ames, Iowa a husband may not take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with his wife.
- A law in Alexandria, Minnesota makes it illegal for a husband to make love to his wife if his breath smells like garlic, onions, or sardines.
- In Bozeman, Montana, you can't perform any sexual acts in the front yard of any home, after sundown, and if you are nude.
- A Helena, Montana law states that a woman cannot dance on a saloon table unless her clothing weighs more than three pounds, two ounces.
- Hotel owners in Hastings, Nebraska are required by law to provide a clean, white cotton nightshirt to each guest. According to the law, no couple may have sex unless they are wearing the nightshirts.
- Any couple making out inside a vehicle, and accidentally sounding the horn during their lustful act, may be taken to jail according to a Liberty Corner, New Jersey law.
- During lunch breaks in Carlsbad, New Mexico, no couple should engage in a sexual act while parked in their vehicle, unless their car has curtains.
- In Nevada sex without a condom is considered illegal.
- In Cleveland, Ohio women are not allowed to wear patent-leather shoes.
- In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot of a gun while his female partner is having a sexual orgasm.
Thursday, February 23, 2006
Quote for the Day
Today's Quote for the Day comes from the Scottish comedian, Billy Connolly, who is on tour in Australia and is clearly unimpressed by the country's Prime Minister, John Howard:
"What a silly boring little man. His only function is to let you know what Harry Potter's going to look like when he's old."
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Bubba
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his..
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago".
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really, " he said, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait."Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern redneck." Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba."
New Spoof e-mails
Considering that I haven't got a Chase Internet Banking account I found this a rather stupid Spoof... Where do these people get off and who would be stupid enough to respond to it...
Dear Chase account holder,
We recently reviewed your account, and suspect that your Chase Internet Banking account may have been accessed by an unauthorized third party. Protecting the security of your account and of the Chase Bank network is our primary concern. Therefore, as a preventative measure, we have temporarily limited access to sensitive account features.
To restore your account access, please take the following steps to ensure that your account has not been compromised:
1. Login to your Chase Internet Banking account. In case you are not enrolled for Internet Banking, you will have to use your Social Security Number as both your Personal ID and Password.
2. Review your recent account history for any unauthorized withdrawals or deposits, and check your account profile to make sure not changes have been made. If any unauthorized activity has taken place on your account, report this to Chase staff immediately.
To get started, please click the link below:
https://chaseonline.chase.com/chaseonline/logon/sso_logon.jsp
We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause, and appreciate your assistance in helping us maintain the integrity of the entire Chase system. Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter.
Sincerely,
The Chase Bank Team
Please do not reply to this e-mail. Mail sent to this address cannot be answered. For assistance, log in to your Chase Bank account and choose the "Help" link in the header of any page.
© 2006 JPMorgan Chase & Co.
Click Logon Now to update your account and your security details.
My brain hurts
| Your Brain's Pattern |
 Structured and organized, you have a knack for thinking clearly. You are very logical - and you don't let your thoughts get polluted with emotions. And while your thoughts are pretty serious, they're anything from boring. It's minds like yours that have built the great cities of the world! |
Nicked from Steve @ http://witteringheights.blogspot.com/
Imperial Rhapsody
LANDO: This is the good life
This is a fantasy
Working on Bespin
An escape from Reality.
LEIA: Open your eyes
Stand up to these guys and see.
LUKE: I'm just a farmboy, I need some sympathy
Cuz who's my Dad, I dunno
Little whine, little moan.
HAN: Anywhere the Force goes, doesn't really matter, to meeee, to me.
PIETT: Vader!
Just killed a man.
Raised an arm up in the air
Now his life's no longer there.
Vader!
We had just begun,
And now I've gone and lost the reb-el scum.
Vader,
Ooooooo.
Didn't mean to make you mad
If I'm not alive again this time tomorrow,
There'll be a new admiral, as if nothing ever happened.
YODA: Too late, my time has come,
Sends shivers down my spine
Body's aching all the time.
LUKE: Goodbye everybody, I've got to go
Gotta leave you all behind and learn the Force.
PIETT: Vader!
Ooooooo.
I don't want to die
I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all.
LUKE: I see a little silhouetto of a man
Palpatine, Palpatine, can it be the Emperor?
Thunderbolts and lightning, very very hurting me!
R2-D2, R2-D2
R2-D2, R2-D2
R2-D2, Where'd ya go?
C-3PO O O O O OH!
I'm just a farmboy, nobody loves me.
REBELS: He's just a farmboy, with a dead family.
Spare him this life of such mundacity!
HAN: Spice'll come, spice'll go. Jabba let me go.
JABBA: Bo shuda! (NO, we will not let you go)
HAN: Let me go!
JABBA: Bo shuda! (We will not let you go)
HAN: Let me go!
JABBA: Bo shuda! (We will not let you go)
HAN: LET ME GO!
JABBA: WILL NOT LET YOU GO!
HAN: LET ME GO!
JABBA: WILL NOT LET YOU GO!
HAN: LET ME GO!
JABBA: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!
C3-PO: Oh RD-D2, R2-D2, R2-D2, Come along.
LEIA: C3-PO has a rebel put aside for meeeeee, for meeeeeeeee, for MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!
(storm troopers start headbanging)
LUKE: So you say you're the dear old dad of mine?
But you cut my hand off and left me to die!
Oooooh Vader,
Can't do this to me, Vader.
I know there's some good, I know there's still some good in you.
OBIWAN: May the Force be with you.
Use the force to see.
May the Force be with you,
May the Force be with you, alwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays.
HAN: Anywhere the Force goes....
Tags: Funny, Humor, Joke
This is a fantasy
Working on Bespin
An escape from Reality.
LEIA: Open your eyes
Stand up to these guys and see.
LUKE: I'm just a farmboy, I need some sympathy
Cuz who's my Dad, I dunno
Little whine, little moan.
HAN: Anywhere the Force goes, doesn't really matter, to meeee, to me.
PIETT: Vader!
Just killed a man.
Raised an arm up in the air
Now his life's no longer there.
Vader!
We had just begun,
And now I've gone and lost the reb-el scum.
Vader,
Ooooooo.
Didn't mean to make you mad
If I'm not alive again this time tomorrow,
There'll be a new admiral, as if nothing ever happened.
YODA: Too late, my time has come,
Sends shivers down my spine
Body's aching all the time.
LUKE: Goodbye everybody, I've got to go
Gotta leave you all behind and learn the Force.
PIETT: Vader!
Ooooooo.
I don't want to die
I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all.
LUKE: I see a little silhouetto of a man
Palpatine, Palpatine, can it be the Emperor?
Thunderbolts and lightning, very very hurting me!
R2-D2, R2-D2
R2-D2, R2-D2
R2-D2, Where'd ya go?
C-3PO O O O O OH!
I'm just a farmboy, nobody loves me.
REBELS: He's just a farmboy, with a dead family.
Spare him this life of such mundacity!
HAN: Spice'll come, spice'll go. Jabba let me go.
JABBA: Bo shuda! (NO, we will not let you go)
HAN: Let me go!
JABBA: Bo shuda! (We will not let you go)
HAN: Let me go!
JABBA: Bo shuda! (We will not let you go)
HAN: LET ME GO!
JABBA: WILL NOT LET YOU GO!
HAN: LET ME GO!
JABBA: WILL NOT LET YOU GO!
HAN: LET ME GO!
JABBA: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!
C3-PO: Oh RD-D2, R2-D2, R2-D2, Come along.
LEIA: C3-PO has a rebel put aside for meeeeee, for meeeeeeeee, for MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!
(storm troopers start headbanging)
LUKE: So you say you're the dear old dad of mine?
But you cut my hand off and left me to die!
Oooooh Vader,
Can't do this to me, Vader.
I know there's some good, I know there's still some good in you.
OBIWAN: May the Force be with you.
Use the force to see.
May the Force be with you,
May the Force be with you, alwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays.
HAN: Anywhere the Force goes....
Tags: Funny, Humor, Joke
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Sunday, February 19, 2006
12 Step Program of Recovery for Blog Addicts:
- I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web.
- I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
- I will get dressed before noon.
- I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Blogging.
- I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Blog-deprived.
- I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.
- I will read a book...if I still remember how.
- I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.
- I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
- I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
- I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy Blogging.
- Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and my Blog will always be there tomorrow!
Tags: Funny, Humor, Blog
Are you deaf?
Having to endure a train journey sitting next to someone who decided that he no longer wanted to retaining his hearing I felt it right to re-print this article from the London Evening Standard about i-pods and deafness.
'iPods can make you deaf'
By Mark Prigg, Evening Standard 11 May 2005
A health alert over the dangers to your hearing from portable music players is issued today.Experts say the huge popularity of iPods and other players could leave a generation of music fans with serious problems.
London commuters face the greatest risk as they play the machines at potentially damaging volume levels because of the background noise on Tubes and trains.
A leading expert warned that people had to use the players more responsibly. Andrew Reid, head of audiology at the Royal United Hospital in Bristol, said: "This is a big problem for young people, and there is a real risk that prolonged listening could lead to permanent hearing damage."
Mr Reid added: "If you are on a Tube, you have to turn the player up to dangerous levels just to hear it. Over time, this is going to lead to problems like tinnitus and severe damage to the inner ear." Tinnitus and noise-induced hearing loss occurs when the delicate hair nerve cells that line the inner ear suffer repeated trauma from loud sound vibrations.
According to Mr Reid, the first signs are a ringing or buzzing in the ears. "People really need to turn down the player straight away and consult their doctor if the problems continue," he warned.
Experts say the problem has reached critical levels due to the popularity of the iPod. Apple has sold 5.6million worldwide since it was introduced in 2001, along with over 250 million songs via its online music store.
Experts believe that usage has increased dramatically because owners can now carry their entire CD collection with them, and the latest players give up to 30 hours' playback on a single battery charge.
Recent research found that 39 per cent of 18 to 24-year-olds listen to personal stereos for more than an hour each day, with 13 per cent listening for two hours or more.
The Royal National Institute for the Deaf said: "We are concerned that many people are turning up the volume on their personal stereos to levels that could create hearing loss in the long term."
The RNID has launched a new website, dontlosethemusic.com, to warn users about the problem. It says users who are worried should investigate buying in-ear headphones that can block out background noise, allowing the volume of players to be turned down.
Experts today called for Apple and other manufacturers to limit the volume of their players, and for users to limit their listening to under an hour a day.
According to one expert, reducing the time people listen to their player is key.
"It would obviously be beneficial to reduce the volume and restrict the usage of personal players," said Christine DePlacido of the Victoria Hospital in Kirkcaldy.
She added: "The difficulty is in persuading people to do this before their hearing is damaged, as many believe hearing loss will not happen to them until they are much older. A lot of the young people I see with tinnitus describe listening to music at high intensities."
Apple said all iPods sold in Britain complied with EU volume standards, but refused to comment on the new research.
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