TEN RANDOM QUOTATIONS FROM COMEDIAN STEVEN WRIGHT

by prydwen

From 'The Unhilarious Writings of Hester Murman'

1. "There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators."
2. "I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize."
3. "If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?"
4. "I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone."
5. "I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it."
6. "I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time.' So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance."
7. "A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an 'accelerator.' When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."
8. "I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone".
9. "I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left before we met".
10. "All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand".