A list of announcements that London tube train drivers have supposed to have made to their passengers...
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Southbound platform and go in the opposite direction."
"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from backside and elbow syndrome, not knowing one from the other. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."
"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Oxford Street station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall...' "
"We are now travelling through Liverpool Street. As you can see Liverpool Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that."
"Beggars are operating on this train, please do not encourage professional beggars. If you have any spare change, you can give it to me."
"Please note that the loud beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors!"
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