Famous Quips

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window!
--Steve Bluestone

Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
--George Carlin

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is.
--Ellen DeGeneris

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
--Rita Rudner

I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead.
--Sue Kolinsky

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.
--Jackie Gleason

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"
--Jay Leno

I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name..."
--Mike Binder

Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it.
--Stephen Leacock

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.
--Roger Simon

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
--Pearl Williams

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
--Dave Edison

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
--George Gobel