Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
Amnesia: The condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
Antique: An item your grandparents bought, your parents got rid of, and you're buying again.
Atheism: A non-prophet organization.
Barium: What we do to most people when they die.
Beauty parlor: A place where women curl up and dye.
Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Cannibal: Someone who is fed up with people.
Chickens: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
Classic: A book that people praise, but do not read.
College: The four-year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone.
Committee: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.
Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Divorce: The future tense of marriage.
Eclipse: What an Italian barber does for a living.
Egotist: Someone me-deep in conversation.
Eyedropper: A clumsy ophthalmologist.
Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
Fancy restaurant: One that serves cold soup on purpose.
Feedback: The inevitable result when a baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
Gossip: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
Grocery list: What you spend half-an-hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Handkerchief: Cold storage.
Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
Inflation: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
Kissing: A means of getting two people so close together that they can't see anything wrong with each other.
Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Myth: A female moth.
Opportunist: A person who, when they fall into a river, starts taking a bath.
Paradox: Two physicians.
Parasites: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Pharmacist: A helper on the farm.
Polarize: What penguins see with.
Professor: Someone who talks in someone else's sleep.
Psychologist: A man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
Relief: What trees do in the spring.
Seamstress: Describes 14 stone in a size 10.
Secret: Something you tell to one person at a time.
Show-off: A child who is more talented than yours.
Tomorrow: One of the greatest labor-saving devices of today.
Toothache: The pain that drives you to extraction.
Vegetarian: Old Indian word for bad hunter.
Wrinkles: Something other people have. You have character lines.
Yawn: An honest opinion, openly expressed.
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