Worlds best witticisms

by prydwen

• The sex was so good that even the neighbours had a cigarette.
• If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.
• If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
  
• Born free... taxed to death.
• The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
• Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
• A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
• I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
• Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
• If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.
• You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
• I got a gun for my wife, best trade I've ever made.
• Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
• To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
• I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
• Horn broken, watch for finger.
• All men are idiots ... I married their king.
• The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
• Give pizza chants.
• How can I be overdrawn, I still have checks!
• If something goes without saying, LET IT!
• If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
• Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
• If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk.
• Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
• Missing your cat? Try looking under my tires.
• Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
• Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
• Prevent inbreeding: ban country music.
• Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
• This would be really funny if it wasn't happening to me.
• I have the body of a god... Buddha!
• I get enough exercise pushing my luck.
• If you don't like the news, go out and make your own.
• Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep
• I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
• I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
• If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
• Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
• Sex on television can't hurt you... unless you fall off.