A brief History of Britain

122 Hadrian builds a wall, afterwards he builds a patio and a nice outhouse.

208 Severus goes to defend Britain and repairs Hadrian's Wall by re-pointing it

383 Magnus Maximus proclaimed Emperor in Britain famous for his quote "I’ve started, so I'll finish".

432 St. Patrick's mission to Ireland where he invents Guinness.

550 St. David takes Christianity to Wales and all they gave him was a daffodil

757 Offa, King of Mercia builds a Dyke to keep daffodils and leeks out of England

849 Alfred burns the cakes at the bakery and gets sacked so takes up a Great new job as King

1016 - Edmund Ironside, becomes King of England and spends the next 20 years in a wheel chair solving crimes.

1066 The year of the Mormon Conquest of Britain, The Osmonds release their first album.

1170 Richard de Clare, Earl of Pembroke known as ‘Strongbow’, lands in Ireland and invents cider.

1215 King John opens a new restaurant in Runnemede with a Magna Carte menu.

1348 The Black Death arrives turning all the men into Minstrels.

1455 ‘War of the Roses’, breaks out between the York’s and Lancaster’s both wanting the soft centres.

1555 Queen Mary 1st invents Vodka, mixes it with tomato juice and we get the Bloody Mary

1570 Pope Pius V excommunicates Elizabeth I so she forms British Telecom.

1641 The English Civil War starts, fighting starts later when they get fed up of saying "After you"!, "No After You"! All very civil.....

1666 the Great Fry-up of London. Charles the Second and Samuel Pepys after a bender go out for sausage egg and bacon and end up burning down half of London.

1702 Queen Anne becomes the last English monarch from the Stuart dynasty and is famous for her wooden legs.

1772 Legislation was passed allowing Irish Catholics to lease bog-land before that they had to shit in the woods.

1825 The World's first railway service, the Stockton and Darlington Railway opens and the station announcer apologises for the late running of 18:25 due to leaves on the track

1830 The new Prime Minister, Earl Grey, gives Wellington the boot and then has a nice cup of tea

1853 Gladstone presents his first budget and then goes on to do a few card tricks and pull a rabbit from his bag.

1905 Cardiff elevated to City status but lose 2-1 to Swansea Town in the cup.

1910 The Tonypandy riots start when Andy Pandy’s brother Tony finds outs Andy been having an affair with Loopy Lou

1926 was the year the Scottish inventor, Yogi Bear, invented television later to go on to star in a cartoon on it.

1992 was the year that as a fire destroyed Windsor Castle, the Queen commented on a horrible anus.