FUNERAL EULOGIES

• She died as she lived: oddly dressed and smelling vaguely of turpentine.

• He had many hobbies, and he was very proud of them. He had that rarest of gifts: the ability to find the beauty and artistry in the hardcore amateur farm porn he shot with his Super 8 over at Oakville Community Stables.

• Bill was not a rich man. He was not a proud man. He was not a successful man. Nor was he especially attractive, articulate, or even remotely respected. Neither was he particularly well-liked or hygienic. So I suppose, what I'm really trying to say is... there's cake back at the house and if we hurry, we can probably catch the second half of the Bulls game.

• There's no getting around it: Bob was a big, fat, sweaty pig of a man, which means that now, there's more pie for the rest of us. Dig in!

• And through our tears of grief, let us endeavor to never forget the flatulent hilarity that ensued each time Uncle Mikey graced us with his presence. Surely the Seraphim themselves are pulling upon his finger at this very moment.

• His spirit will be with us always. And by spirit, I mean overwhelming credit card debt.

• Hers was a pure, goodly, and chaste life, which helped to ensure that her heart, liver, and kidneys were especially desirable on the organ transplant black market.

• Behold our beloved grandmother... her crooked, nagging maw silent and still at last.

• He used to look up at me and it was so difficult to talk, because he had four or five chins, and he'd wheeze, "Just fifty… more… pounds." And then he'd eat seven or eight Twinkies and a couple of cheeseburgers. I've never known such steely discipline. He died reaching for a dream.

• I don't think I'll ever get over him. But if anyone wants to try and help me, I'm in the back by the boxes of wine.

• I hope she's in a happier place. But let's be honest: you don't get struck by lightening during a sunny day because God loves you, you know? Still, we can HOPE.

• Frankie Two Thumbs wasn't a bad guy. You know what I'm talkin' about? He could make a mean baked ziti. And he smelled good, always with the fancy cologne. So it is with deepest respects that we fill his stomach with concrete and toss him in the East River.

• A last wish is a last wish. So, according to his will, we will now shoot Ted out of this cannon into the ocean while the local high school madrigals sing "Yesterday." Man, even dead he's high maintenance.

• She seduced my husband, spread vicious rumors about me, and got me fired from my dream job. That's all I want to say really, I just want to be in the front of the line when we start burying the bitch.

• I loved him more than any other man. Sure, sometimes I peeked at others, but that's completely natural. And okay, sometimes I squeezed, grabbed, and stroked too - but that doesn't mean I didn't love him with all of my heart.

• Ashes to ashes, dust to dust - wait a second - that's a nice ring.

• I have already apologized to his family, and to his friends. But let me do it again: I am sorry for stealing my best friend Dave's body and doing that funny "Weekend at Bernie's" thing. But it was our favorite movie - and dragging him around to a bar seemed like the right thing to do. I had no idea he was so... delicate.

• I never screwed Cynthia. But I wanted to and God knows I tried. Even now, in death, I'd have to say I still wouldn't kick the broad out of my bed.

• I'll never forget the last time I seen him. He was all, "Betcha $50 I can wrestle a 'gator." And I was all, "You're on!"

Tags: Funny, Humor, Joke